- What I don't pray about:
- I rarely pray about material things. God knows what I have need of and what is best for me and it is my belief that when I am in his perfect will, he will bless me. At times I may be concerned about particular problems or needs and ask God for direction or answers in regards to those problems, but my prayer is not directed at asking for material things.
- I don't try to "convince" God or dictate to God, or rouse God or provoke him, or tell God. God already knows and God has a will that He is perfectly capable of carrying out. My efforts are not to direct God, like he is a powerful speeding bullet that I'm attempting to aim through prayer at an intended target! No. God is fully in control of HIS universe and my silly declarations and demands are foolish in His sight. When I pray, I'm not to be in "dispute" with God. But rather my endeavor in prayer is asking God to assist my understanding as he is working to mold my thinking, and conform my will to His will. I do not hurl petitions at God's throne as if to demand anything. I believe the right way to come before God is "asking", "seeking", and "knocking" with humility and thanksgiving, not "telling", "commanding", "whining", "begging", and "demanding". If I may add this note here: I am convinced that whining and complaining to God in prayer opens the door to evil spirits. It's a very dangerous ground to tread upon. I try to make sure that whatever I am praying about, that I am not in any sense whining or complaining.
- I also do not pray like I'm standing in a "good" place and praying for all those who are not faithful, who are not doing their job or living up to their potential (as if I am). I do not pray "down" to others. I do not pray condescendingly about others. But rather, the standpoint of prayer ought to be that we are all in the same stinking human boat. We all smell fishy. We are all sinking. We are all out in the middle of an ocean with no paddle. We are all bound to die without God's intervention. It is not "Oh God, help that unfaithful brother to be more faithful". Which implies that I must think I am faithful or else I'd be praying for my own unfaithfulness first and foremost. So it is "Oh God help all of us to be what you have called us to be: whether faithful or loving or patient or humble or wherever we are each lacking, for we are all indeed lacking in some area, but you have put a desire inside of each of us to live for you". Some may be doing better or worse in various areas at different times, but none of us have reached a place of being "better" than anyone else. And we all go through what Bro. Gunter termed our "6 o'clock". Somewhere in the world, it's 6 o'clock. It may not be 6 o'clock for me right now, but it will get here if I keep on living. So my chastisement or humiliation may not be here right now, but I'd better not get haughty or high minded over someone else' chastisement or humiliation or correction or whatsoever, because mine is coming, as sure as 6 o'clock and it will be much harder for me to endure if I have been haughty towards my brother or sister. So when I pray for others, I pray for all of us that are in the same boat.
- I also don't pray as a leader of a group. If someone asks me to pray somewhere, I do so, not as a leader, but just as one of the crowd. Based of what I've seen, I don't believe that praying "out loud" is a good idea for just everyone. Jesus warned about the Sadducees prayers. Praying out loud is primarily a ministerial function because it tends to be authoritative. Also because the person praying is mindful of listeners, it tends to not be a genuine prayer to God. The person praying can believe that they are praying for the will of God on the people, but God may see how caught up they are in their own agenda, and not having the mind of Christ. Therefore it is not good for a woman to lead prayer. If women are together, it's better if they all pray together, none trying to be louder than another nor draw any attention to themselves over another. Their voice shouldn't be louder than the rest of the sisters. Their manifestations shouldn't be efforts to draw attention to themselves. And their words ought not to be contrived eloquence to make others pay attention. Women should pray as equal sisters in Christ and any sister who seeks to excel over another should refer to the rule of thumb that if you seek to be great, you should strive to be the least and servant to all. Services are often called to order by the prayer of the Ministry, who speak as the mouth of God and this is their calling and position, so prayers that lead and call people to order ought to be done by the Ministry.
- What I do pray about:
- I pray for God to change my wicked ways; my thoughts; and my mindsets. I recognize that in order for God to do this, He will use circumstances, my health, and people. I pray for him to assist me in understanding what he is trying to show me through all the difficulties I encounter so that I can change and avoid further difficulties if possible. I know that mindsets are embedded into my understanding, my opinions, and my character traits due to my experiences and many other factors. I recognize that it takes God to dig deep and alter those mindsets as needed, and meanwhile I need God's grace to walk as He is directing me to walk, without rebelling or getting discouraged, until He accomplishes change in my thinking.
- I also "listen". When thoughts, circumstances, or people come to my mind, I talk to God about them and if the Spirit is present to cover that topic, I continue to pray about it, but if the prayer is "dry", then I move on to something else. I don't try to force God to talk about what He is not interested in talking about with me. I try to find the topic that He wants to talk to me about. And I also often pray for God to bring to my mind what it is he wants me to pray about and to lead me in prayer.
- More than anything, I pray for God's will. I pray for God's direction. I pray that when I don't hear a clear word or see a clear vision, for God to just somehow let me stumble upon the perfect path- because He is clearly able to do that. I pray for God to open my ears to hear his voice in the service, in the songs, in the minister's words. I pray for God to let me spiritually see what He is doing, and not be blinded by my human reasoning. I pray for God to veto the will of my flesh in favor of His will in my life and in everything I do and to correct me, to cleanse me, and to infuse his thinking into my corrupted thinking and renew me.
- I love God and I thank God for everything, for everything is working for my good because I belong to Him. I let God know that I appreciate His calling on my life. I tell Him often that He is my reason for living. He is my everything. He is my life. There is nothing, no hope, no purpose, no reason, no life, no joy, no expectation- all is vanity without him. Everything I am or ever hope to be, will be GOD. I'm not capable, mentally or physically of doing anything good, or great, or worthy of any importance on my own. I have no awesome words to speak. I have no excellent wisdom to express. All my "best" is filthy rags. But God is able to use me, and even "I" am impressed! I think about some of the words to the songs that just came to me, and I sang them, and I think "wow! I would have never thought to come up with that". But he just gave it to me. I think of some of the things He's taught me, and how much higher the understanding is than that which I had, and I'm just filled with adoration for God. Thinking this in prayer one day, I wrote the song "Lord I love the work that you're working in my life. And I love all the ways that you've changed me! and I love this path that you've caused me to walk upon. I love you, Lord, and I love what you're doing in my life!".
Monday, August 25, 2014
How I pray -August 25, 2014
The Lord impressed me this morning to write about prayer. Here are some things that began to flow to my mind about my own prayer and how God has dealt with me.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Plodding Along - Jan 28, 2010 revised August 6, 2014
Remember the ad for the Easy Button? I wish there was a Decision Button, that we could use to make decisions permanent.
Want to stop overeating? Just program in the decision, press "forever" and voila! You will never overeat again in your entire life because you made the permanent decision not to! You could do the same to stop smoking, drinking, lying, or any bad habits!
Think how different the world would be! New Year's Resolutions would be a sure deal. Creditors wouldn't have to worry about anyone ever defaulting and marriage vows would be a guarantee of life-long companionship! Alas, in reality, decisions are made, un-made, and revised every day, all the time, for every weather, according to every mood, and depending on every circumstance and feeling.
When I was obese, how often I would get so disgusted with myself and my weight that I would declare my decision to "eat only 500 calories a day!!" or "Fast every day except Tuesday!" and at the time I seriously meant it. But those "decisions" were based on rash, emotional, excited, and desperate feelings and circumstances. It was the sprint of the hare speaking, and not the plodding of the turtle.
Losing weight is a good example of certain decisions that cannot be done by making a rash, "determined" choice. There is no concrete to set the decision in to make it "stick". It's a slow process that will go through many different days, moods, encounters, and circumstances upon which the same decision must be repeatedly made again and again. No matter how determined you are "today", you will inevitably fail if you cannot maintain that same determination every day, all day long. So to lose weight, you must forget about the end result and focus instead on one day at a time life changes that you want to do "today" to a certain end. You will then have to make more similar decisions tomorrow, but it's a walk, not a sprint and you will most likely not see any results for a very long time.
If it seems like life is against us, it is. Life is a battle. Flesh is enmity against God. This is warfare we are fighting. And we can't win by brute strength.
No matter how fast you run, it will take your whole life to run this race! You might as well get your gear and prepare for the long haul. Don't take off flying without having your running shoes on because you won't last. All that will do is cause discouragement and make you think that you can't possibly run that fast for the rest of your life and you can't. Thankfully, we're not judged by how fast or slow we go, but by whether we kept on going, and endured to the end. This is not a sprint, it's a daily walk, a vision of where we want to head towards.
We're not trying to "get there" in one sprint. We're plodding our course in that direction and we are making traveling to that destination our new lifestyle. We sell out of our past habits and we buy into whatever will further our journey towards this new destination like one would sell their house that keeps them in California and buy a motorhome because their new course and journey is to travel towards New York. And we continue to travel in that direction for the rest of our lives.
When I fail, I get back up; when I'm discouraged, I keep plodding along anyhow; when I'm winning, I keep going, when I'm losing, I refuse to give up. I have counted the cost of living this new life and I have made the necessary arrangements in my lifestyle to afford it, and to pay it every day. Every day in sunshine or rain, I'm plodding along, little by little, day by day, waiting, hoping, winning, failing and always getting up, over and over again.
This is the only way to win.
Want to stop overeating? Just program in the decision, press "forever" and voila! You will never overeat again in your entire life because you made the permanent decision not to! You could do the same to stop smoking, drinking, lying, or any bad habits!
Think how different the world would be! New Year's Resolutions would be a sure deal. Creditors wouldn't have to worry about anyone ever defaulting and marriage vows would be a guarantee of life-long companionship! Alas, in reality, decisions are made, un-made, and revised every day, all the time, for every weather, according to every mood, and depending on every circumstance and feeling.
When I was obese, how often I would get so disgusted with myself and my weight that I would declare my decision to "eat only 500 calories a day!!" or "Fast every day except Tuesday!" and at the time I seriously meant it. But those "decisions" were based on rash, emotional, excited, and desperate feelings and circumstances. It was the sprint of the hare speaking, and not the plodding of the turtle.
Losing weight is a good example of certain decisions that cannot be done by making a rash, "determined" choice. There is no concrete to set the decision in to make it "stick". It's a slow process that will go through many different days, moods, encounters, and circumstances upon which the same decision must be repeatedly made again and again. No matter how determined you are "today", you will inevitably fail if you cannot maintain that same determination every day, all day long. So to lose weight, you must forget about the end result and focus instead on one day at a time life changes that you want to do "today" to a certain end. You will then have to make more similar decisions tomorrow, but it's a walk, not a sprint and you will most likely not see any results for a very long time.
If it seems like life is against us, it is. Life is a battle. Flesh is enmity against God. This is warfare we are fighting. And we can't win by brute strength.
No matter how fast you run, it will take your whole life to run this race! You might as well get your gear and prepare for the long haul. Don't take off flying without having your running shoes on because you won't last. All that will do is cause discouragement and make you think that you can't possibly run that fast for the rest of your life and you can't. Thankfully, we're not judged by how fast or slow we go, but by whether we kept on going, and endured to the end. This is not a sprint, it's a daily walk, a vision of where we want to head towards.
We're not trying to "get there" in one sprint. We're plodding our course in that direction and we are making traveling to that destination our new lifestyle. We sell out of our past habits and we buy into whatever will further our journey towards this new destination like one would sell their house that keeps them in California and buy a motorhome because their new course and journey is to travel towards New York. And we continue to travel in that direction for the rest of our lives.
When I fail, I get back up; when I'm discouraged, I keep plodding along anyhow; when I'm winning, I keep going, when I'm losing, I refuse to give up. I have counted the cost of living this new life and I have made the necessary arrangements in my lifestyle to afford it, and to pay it every day. Every day in sunshine or rain, I'm plodding along, little by little, day by day, waiting, hoping, winning, failing and always getting up, over and over again.
This is the only way to win.
Measuring Tool- written Feb 16, 2010
Bro. Myron Travis got up Sunday speaking about how we ought to measure our lives by the word of God. Bro. Welch then took up that idea and did a wonderful job expounding on that premise.
Bro. Welch had taken some carpentry classes and he was required in one class to build a box according to the pattern and measurements given. At the end of the class, the Instructor would measure and examine the box and a grade would be given based on how the box measured up to the plans.
Once the instructor judged the box, that was his grade. There was no back tracking. The grade would then stand, no matter what you did to the box after that.
But before the instructor judged the box, you could measure the box and judge it yourself, by comparing what you had to the diagrams and measurements given. You could make adjustments as needed. You could even tear it down and start all over if you felt it wasn't right.
So it is in the kingdom. We ought to measure our lives by the word of God now. We have an awesome opportunity now to get things right. There will be no more time to go back and redo things. We must make adjustments now, while we can.
Bro. Welch had taken some carpentry classes and he was required in one class to build a box according to the pattern and measurements given. At the end of the class, the Instructor would measure and examine the box and a grade would be given based on how the box measured up to the plans.
Once the instructor judged the box, that was his grade. There was no back tracking. The grade would then stand, no matter what you did to the box after that.
But before the instructor judged the box, you could measure the box and judge it yourself, by comparing what you had to the diagrams and measurements given. You could make adjustments as needed. You could even tear it down and start all over if you felt it wasn't right.
So it is in the kingdom. We ought to measure our lives by the word of God now. We have an awesome opportunity now to get things right. There will be no more time to go back and redo things. We must make adjustments now, while we can.
Dream March 13, 2010
In my dream, I was using this man's bible, trying to follow along with the teaching.
And the teacher said to "turn to 2 Thessalonians" but I couldn't find it. I knew where it was supposed to be, but it wasn't there, and his bible had SOME of the books of the bible but a lot were missing and, where there were books missing or out of order, it was filled ...up with stories and cartoon-like images that had to be interpreted to be read.
The images were meant to be read, but they weren't complete, so you had to guess a lot. Like the dog-beast-thing was up on top of something, a countertop maybe, and then the next picture, he was down on the floor as if he'd either jumped, fallen, or had been pushed, There was no way to "read" that without skipping important details or adding to it with your own imagination.
And when I woke up, I thought Wow, that's the way a lot of people's bible-understanding is. They are missing true knowledge, and they have added in fables and images that aren't complete or cohesive. And they've become so accustomed to these stories and cartoons, that they don't know them from the real word of God.
Lord, help us all to get all the stories and ideas out, and get rid of everything that isn't the real unadulterated truth of God, and help us to understand what is truth.
Deb
And the teacher said to "turn to 2 Thessalonians" but I couldn't find it. I knew where it was supposed to be, but it wasn't there, and his bible had SOME of the books of the bible but a lot were missing and, where there were books missing or out of order, it was filled ...up with stories and cartoon-like images that had to be interpreted to be read.
The images were meant to be read, but they weren't complete, so you had to guess a lot. Like the dog-beast-thing was up on top of something, a countertop maybe, and then the next picture, he was down on the floor as if he'd either jumped, fallen, or had been pushed, There was no way to "read" that without skipping important details or adding to it with your own imagination.
And when I woke up, I thought Wow, that's the way a lot of people's bible-understanding is. They are missing true knowledge, and they have added in fables and images that aren't complete or cohesive. And they've become so accustomed to these stories and cartoons, that they don't know them from the real word of God.
Lord, help us all to get all the stories and ideas out, and get rid of everything that isn't the real unadulterated truth of God, and help us to understand what is truth.
Deb
Peeking Above The Clouds - Written March 6, 2010
When I pray, it's like my head is lifted up, so I can peek at what lies just above the clouds. Before I met God, I didn't know that anything existed above the clouds.
Below the clouds I see life as other carnal people around me see it. It is a life of what "appears". But just above the clouds, I can see doors, possibilities, opportunities, and realities that I can't even imagine in my existence below.
The just shall walk by faith. What is seen is the reality of the natural realm. But there is another reality of the spiritual realm. When God shows us what His reality is, then we have a unique opportunity to do greater things than the reality of the natural realm would provide us. Because we have unique access to what's available above the clouds, we're not limited to our natural surroundings and conditions.
However, we are not a blind people who walk by the imagination of their own foolish hearts. If it doesn't exist above the clouds, then no amount of foolish conjuring will accomplish it below the clouds either. Walking by faith is living by what is above the clouds. We cannot live by what's above the clouds if it has not been revealed to us what is available there.
Faith is not something we initiate in and to ourselves. Faith must always initiated by God. God decided that Abraham would be a Father of many nations. Abraham had little to do with that decision. It was then revealed by God to Abraham that he would have a son. See how God initiated the faith by saying to Abraham "You shall have a son"? Therefore Abraham staggered not, but believed what had been revealed to him by God. Below the clouds, there was no way. But above the clouds, he would be a Father of many nations!
It was revealed to Noah to build an ark, that God would send a flood. Therefore he built. Below the clouds, there was no chance of rain seen. People laughed and mocked. But Noah had peeked into the heavenlies. It was going to rain and rain big time!
We are not a people who walk by human, natural sight or by what appears below the clouds. Faith is manifested by seemingly strange or confident things it has caused people to do throughout the ages, that resulted in great victory and blessings despite how absurd or unlikely it seemed before they received the outcome. They saw something from God and were so convinced of it because they knew it was from God, that they began to pursue it without wavering or doubting, no matter how incredibly silly it seemed to everyone else at the time. This was their faith manifesting!
Moses saw that a bush burned and wasn't consumed. The bush revealed, caused him to turn aside to go see. What God spoke to him at the bush, caused him to go to Pharoah! Pharoah certainly didn't see anything spiritual, but only saw what was below the clouds.
But Moses had had an audience with God. He saw that there, just above the clouds, above the natural circumstances, lay God's timing, God's will, & God's deliverance for Israel! And, despite how bad the circumstances looked, or how hard-hearted Pharoah was, the knowledge above the clouds was that God was about to deliver his people Israel!
That which is seen above the clouds is stedfast and unrelenting, not subject in any way to neither present circumstances, nor the attempted sabotage or negativity of unbelievers. It didn't matter how hard the Egyptians laughed and scorned the whole idea; that they temporarily made the Israelites work harder; or that they threatened them in every way they could think of. That which is seen in the heavenlies is sure! If God says it, you can bank on it!
One day I was in prayer, and I glimpsed above the clouds and I "saw" that I was a size 12!! Below the clouds I weighed almost 500 pounds at that time. But I knew what I saw and heard in the Spirit! And I embraced it! It may have seemed very foolish that day in service when I testified "God said, I'm a size 12. No matter what you see. No matter what it looks like. I "am" a size twelve! This was not a "gonna be" testimony! I said I "am" a size 12, and anything that's not a size 12, has got to go! Anything in natural reality that doesn't fit that heavenly reality, is a lie and cannot possibly continue to exist! God is true and everything else is a lie! And GOD said, I didn't say it, GOD said I am a size 12!!". This was my testimony in church and I sat down and I remember the people saying "Alright, well, praise God" as smiles filled the room.
Three years later, I'd like somebody to guess what size I was wearing?!! I've been a size 12 now for about 4 or 5 years. I didn't know "how" God was going to do it. I didn't know "when" he was going to manifest it. But one thing I did know: God said it and I believed God! And I refused to say anything any differently, despite all the pounds of opposition staring at me daily! And I refused to be discouraged by all the failed diets and inability to exercise, and exasperated attempts in the natural to fulfill a hope. I kept repeating what I heard from the Lord. And that which I saw then, that seemed so impossible to those living below the clouds, became a reality for me and now people hardly remember when I used to be so big.
Recently I've seen new things above the clouds. I see things that I never would have imagined for me! I see God taking me to places I never would have dreamed of. The opportunity is there. And it may seem impossible for the flesh, but I've seen it above the clouds, and I still believe God.
Even God did not let what "appeared" dictate to him on what could be. Hebrews 11:3 Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear.
We can each create our own world, but only by what is available above the clouds. Only by peeking into the heavenlies and seeing potentials and doors and opportunities that we can't see in the flesh. And then following those specific things. We can't just conjure up any idea and try to make it something of faith. Faith always has to be initiated by God. God reveals in the spirit realm, and we then have to believe, despite the natural world opposition.
In Science Fiction movies, I've often seen a machine that would make an ordinary looking object a transporter or a doorway into another realm, world, or reality. It may look like a rock, but it's really a door into a whole other world. Like in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe the children entered a whole other world through a portal in the closet.
But even in science fiction, not just any closet or any rock would do the trick. You have to find the right object, at the right place and time, in order to get transported into other realms. When I peek above the clouds, connecting with God's mind, I see where these doors are located.
I was sleeping when I saw a vision of someone I knew. I woke up with the voice of the Lord saying to me "You are peeking above the clouds". I got up to use the bathroom pondering what I had seen. The Lord said I was seeing something above the clouds, something possible in the spirit realm. An available portal through which a person could cross into another world if they wanted to. But all I had seen was this person that I knew.
The Lord said "What did you see?" I replied with the name of the person it was. The Lord asked again "What was she doing?" I said "She was just sitting there in a (band) chair with her saxophone." When I said that, for the first time I realized that in carnal reality (below the clouds) she did not play saxophone! The Lord let me see that in the heavenlies, His will for her was for her to play saxophone and be a part of the church band. Later on, when I told her what I had received, I found out that this was in fact her desire to do and she was wondering if God was in it or if it was just her own carnal desire.
Thank you Father, for the ability to see and live by things revealed above the clouds.
Below the clouds I see life as other carnal people around me see it. It is a life of what "appears". But just above the clouds, I can see doors, possibilities, opportunities, and realities that I can't even imagine in my existence below.
The just shall walk by faith. What is seen is the reality of the natural realm. But there is another reality of the spiritual realm. When God shows us what His reality is, then we have a unique opportunity to do greater things than the reality of the natural realm would provide us. Because we have unique access to what's available above the clouds, we're not limited to our natural surroundings and conditions.
However, we are not a blind people who walk by the imagination of their own foolish hearts. If it doesn't exist above the clouds, then no amount of foolish conjuring will accomplish it below the clouds either. Walking by faith is living by what is above the clouds. We cannot live by what's above the clouds if it has not been revealed to us what is available there.
Faith is not something we initiate in and to ourselves. Faith must always initiated by God. God decided that Abraham would be a Father of many nations. Abraham had little to do with that decision. It was then revealed by God to Abraham that he would have a son. See how God initiated the faith by saying to Abraham "You shall have a son"? Therefore Abraham staggered not, but believed what had been revealed to him by God. Below the clouds, there was no way. But above the clouds, he would be a Father of many nations!
It was revealed to Noah to build an ark, that God would send a flood. Therefore he built. Below the clouds, there was no chance of rain seen. People laughed and mocked. But Noah had peeked into the heavenlies. It was going to rain and rain big time!
We are not a people who walk by human, natural sight or by what appears below the clouds. Faith is manifested by seemingly strange or confident things it has caused people to do throughout the ages, that resulted in great victory and blessings despite how absurd or unlikely it seemed before they received the outcome. They saw something from God and were so convinced of it because they knew it was from God, that they began to pursue it without wavering or doubting, no matter how incredibly silly it seemed to everyone else at the time. This was their faith manifesting!
Moses saw that a bush burned and wasn't consumed. The bush revealed, caused him to turn aside to go see. What God spoke to him at the bush, caused him to go to Pharoah! Pharoah certainly didn't see anything spiritual, but only saw what was below the clouds.
But Moses had had an audience with God. He saw that there, just above the clouds, above the natural circumstances, lay God's timing, God's will, & God's deliverance for Israel! And, despite how bad the circumstances looked, or how hard-hearted Pharoah was, the knowledge above the clouds was that God was about to deliver his people Israel!
That which is seen above the clouds is stedfast and unrelenting, not subject in any way to neither present circumstances, nor the attempted sabotage or negativity of unbelievers. It didn't matter how hard the Egyptians laughed and scorned the whole idea; that they temporarily made the Israelites work harder; or that they threatened them in every way they could think of. That which is seen in the heavenlies is sure! If God says it, you can bank on it!
One day I was in prayer, and I glimpsed above the clouds and I "saw" that I was a size 12!! Below the clouds I weighed almost 500 pounds at that time. But I knew what I saw and heard in the Spirit! And I embraced it! It may have seemed very foolish that day in service when I testified "God said, I'm a size 12. No matter what you see. No matter what it looks like. I "am" a size twelve! This was not a "gonna be" testimony! I said I "am" a size 12, and anything that's not a size 12, has got to go! Anything in natural reality that doesn't fit that heavenly reality, is a lie and cannot possibly continue to exist! God is true and everything else is a lie! And GOD said, I didn't say it, GOD said I am a size 12!!". This was my testimony in church and I sat down and I remember the people saying "Alright, well, praise God" as smiles filled the room.
Three years later, I'd like somebody to guess what size I was wearing?!! I've been a size 12 now for about 4 or 5 years. I didn't know "how" God was going to do it. I didn't know "when" he was going to manifest it. But one thing I did know: God said it and I believed God! And I refused to say anything any differently, despite all the pounds of opposition staring at me daily! And I refused to be discouraged by all the failed diets and inability to exercise, and exasperated attempts in the natural to fulfill a hope. I kept repeating what I heard from the Lord. And that which I saw then, that seemed so impossible to those living below the clouds, became a reality for me and now people hardly remember when I used to be so big.
Recently I've seen new things above the clouds. I see things that I never would have imagined for me! I see God taking me to places I never would have dreamed of. The opportunity is there. And it may seem impossible for the flesh, but I've seen it above the clouds, and I still believe God.
Even God did not let what "appeared" dictate to him on what could be. Hebrews 11:3 Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear.
We can each create our own world, but only by what is available above the clouds. Only by peeking into the heavenlies and seeing potentials and doors and opportunities that we can't see in the flesh. And then following those specific things. We can't just conjure up any idea and try to make it something of faith. Faith always has to be initiated by God. God reveals in the spirit realm, and we then have to believe, despite the natural world opposition.
In Science Fiction movies, I've often seen a machine that would make an ordinary looking object a transporter or a doorway into another realm, world, or reality. It may look like a rock, but it's really a door into a whole other world. Like in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe the children entered a whole other world through a portal in the closet.
But even in science fiction, not just any closet or any rock would do the trick. You have to find the right object, at the right place and time, in order to get transported into other realms. When I peek above the clouds, connecting with God's mind, I see where these doors are located.
I was sleeping when I saw a vision of someone I knew. I woke up with the voice of the Lord saying to me "You are peeking above the clouds". I got up to use the bathroom pondering what I had seen. The Lord said I was seeing something above the clouds, something possible in the spirit realm. An available portal through which a person could cross into another world if they wanted to. But all I had seen was this person that I knew.
The Lord said "What did you see?" I replied with the name of the person it was. The Lord asked again "What was she doing?" I said "She was just sitting there in a (band) chair with her saxophone." When I said that, for the first time I realized that in carnal reality (below the clouds) she did not play saxophone! The Lord let me see that in the heavenlies, His will for her was for her to play saxophone and be a part of the church band. Later on, when I told her what I had received, I found out that this was in fact her desire to do and she was wondering if God was in it or if it was just her own carnal desire.
Thank you Father, for the ability to see and live by things revealed above the clouds.
The limbo game of humility - Written March 29, 2010
Mat 7:14 -Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.
The way to that secret door is down, lower and lower and lower still. How can I go lower still? For my Lord loveth humility.
Remember the limbo game? At first everybody can just walk underneath the pole, and there are alot of players starting out. But as the pole lowers, there get to be fewer and fewer. The final competitors will be slim, agile and flexible, very strong, and have exquisite balance.
In the limbo game, you must glide underneath the pole without touching the bar and without falling.
In life, you must stay under the radar of adoration, exaltation, showing off, ursurping authority, living large, being in control, or exuding "self" in any way. But we must also not fall on the floor, wallowing in self-hatred nor failing to uphold our service to God.
It takes great balance to be low enough to not defend yourself when you're offended or when your rights have been violated, and yet not so low that you cast yourself down.
Many start out, but few there be that find that place of humility that is a godly choice to put on humility, trusting God, and not just a self-defeating mindset of self-abasement.
2Co 4:8 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;
2Co 4:9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;
2Co 4:10 Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.
See MoreThe way to that secret door is down, lower and lower and lower still. How can I go lower still? For my Lord loveth humility.
Remember the limbo game? At first everybody can just walk underneath the pole, and there are alot of players starting out. But as the pole lowers, there get to be fewer and fewer. The final competitors will be slim, agile and flexible, very strong, and have exquisite balance.
In the limbo game, you must glide underneath the pole without touching the bar and without falling.
In life, you must stay under the radar of adoration, exaltation, showing off, ursurping authority, living large, being in control, or exuding "self" in any way. But we must also not fall on the floor, wallowing in self-hatred nor failing to uphold our service to God.
It takes great balance to be low enough to not defend yourself when you're offended or when your rights have been violated, and yet not so low that you cast yourself down.
Many start out, but few there be that find that place of humility that is a godly choice to put on humility, trusting God, and not just a self-defeating mindset of self-abasement.
2Co 4:8 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;
2Co 4:9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;
2Co 4:10 Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.
Connection- April 13, 2010
I hunger and thirst inside, panting, craving, lusting for something. For what? For connection.
I want to feel a depth of connection that is felt immediately by others. So that my life becomes a water source, not for natural water, but for spiritual.
I want all my insights, revelations, writings, songs, and activities to manifest over and over in various ways, words, and expressions of how God is transforming my mind. I want others to understand that the depth of water that is being glimpsed here must surely be evidence of a deeper connecting stream because my well is far too shallow to afford the pureness of this water!
Just as I once desired a song that wasn't just a song, but touched people's lives and tapped into the vein of the Spirit. I didn't want to just be a singer, I desired to become a channel through which God was able to reach out to his people! Selah!
In Ecclesiastes - the preacher sought out acceptable words. Of all the words Solomon, the wise man, could have used, he sought the ones that were acceptable, true, valuable. He didn't want to give his own words, but words that were from a higher source. Of books, there is no end, even as there is no end to how many songs and choruses one could write or sing, but to find the one that is "acceptable" or right on time, valuable, and edifying, that is my longing!
Like a telephone. I don't want to be a dead phone that isn't plugged into the channel! There are those who look like a telephone, but there's no dial tone and no voice on the other end. But when you pick up a receiver and someone says "hello?" What a joy! We have a connection! Now in conversation, I can "touch" the person on the other end!
Like a lamp. I don't want to be a dead lamp, with no light. Some sit pretty, but if they're not plugged in, they do no good to anyone who is sitting in darkness. A lamp that is not plugged into a source greater than itself, cannot light the house. But when you stumble through the dark, and find a lamp that is connected to a power-source, what a joy! Darkness is past, and light fills the space and there is no more fear! What once was unclear is now abundantly clear and everything that was unsure is no longer uncertain!
Lord I long for more and stronger connection. I don't want to just be connected, but to have a good, clear, strong connection. I don't want people on the other end to be confused. I don't want God to be screaming "Can you hear me now?" But I want my connection to be clear and strong and without any interferences.
Debbie Hoffman Benfield
I want to feel a depth of connection that is felt immediately by others. So that my life becomes a water source, not for natural water, but for spiritual.
I want all my insights, revelations, writings, songs, and activities to manifest over and over in various ways, words, and expressions of how God is transforming my mind. I want others to understand that the depth of water that is being glimpsed here must surely be evidence of a deeper connecting stream because my well is far too shallow to afford the pureness of this water!
Just as I once desired a song that wasn't just a song, but touched people's lives and tapped into the vein of the Spirit. I didn't want to just be a singer, I desired to become a channel through which God was able to reach out to his people! Selah!
In Ecclesiastes - the preacher sought out acceptable words. Of all the words Solomon, the wise man, could have used, he sought the ones that were acceptable, true, valuable. He didn't want to give his own words, but words that were from a higher source. Of books, there is no end, even as there is no end to how many songs and choruses one could write or sing, but to find the one that is "acceptable" or right on time, valuable, and edifying, that is my longing!
Like a telephone. I don't want to be a dead phone that isn't plugged into the channel! There are those who look like a telephone, but there's no dial tone and no voice on the other end. But when you pick up a receiver and someone says "hello?" What a joy! We have a connection! Now in conversation, I can "touch" the person on the other end!
Like a lamp. I don't want to be a dead lamp, with no light. Some sit pretty, but if they're not plugged in, they do no good to anyone who is sitting in darkness. A lamp that is not plugged into a source greater than itself, cannot light the house. But when you stumble through the dark, and find a lamp that is connected to a power-source, what a joy! Darkness is past, and light fills the space and there is no more fear! What once was unclear is now abundantly clear and everything that was unsure is no longer uncertain!
Lord I long for more and stronger connection. I don't want to just be connected, but to have a good, clear, strong connection. I don't want people on the other end to be confused. I don't want God to be screaming "Can you hear me now?" But I want my connection to be clear and strong and without any interferences.
Debbie Hoffman Benfield
On Sale Now! - Written May 4th, 2010
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Anger Special: All you can eat!
******************************
Depression Vacation Deals:
Lasting sunsets. Extroidinary moods.
Sad Music. Lonely times.
Invite all your friends. ...
Stay as long as you like.
******************************
New & Used Chargers for old Unforgivenesses
Keep your old Unforgivenesses charged and energized.
A free set of speakers included.
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Temper Tantrums now has bad attitudes for every occasion!
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A Pillar in the Temple -written April 28, 2010
Back a couple months our roof to the church, became damaged in a storm causing it to leak inside the sanctuary, resulting in damage.
Immediately attention went first to the ceiling tiles. They removed the damaged tiles from their place, so that the water wouldn't do any further damage to the surrounding tiles, until the problem could be fixed. The weather was too bad to get out and fix the roof, so we had to endure. We let the water drip into large trash cans. It seemed like the ministry was constantly checking the status of the roof, the ceiling, the electrical system, the drop-ceiling frame work, the remaining tiles, the carpeting under the leak, the trash cans, etcetera.
Finally we got the roof fixed and replaced the old tiles with new unspotted ones.
Here is what the Lord told me after that. We also have huge pillars in our building. It was once gutted and many rooms were made into one large open building. So there are pillars that could not be removed, in odd places through out the sanctuary.
The Lord showed me the pillars and said "See these pillars? They endured the storm. Yet they weren't patted on the back for enduring. The ceiling and the tiles got a lot of attention and focus. But the pillars were ignored and taken for granted. They ceiling tiles were never a permanent fixture to begin with. Their only job is superficial, and they weren't able to hold up and endure. But these pillars, upon whom the entire building depends and rests, who's job is so very important that should one of them fall or fail, the entire building would be at risk, were never thanked for enduring the storm.
Much talk was given surrounding the ceiling and tiles, but never did anyone mention the pillars and how well they'd endured. The pillars weren't given an appreciation day for their faithfulness and dependability.
So dependable that they're taken for granted. That is what it is to be a pillar in the church!
You may not be getting pats on the back for your faithfulness over the years. You may not be getting flowers for how good a job you've done or how much you've endured. Nobody may be calling your name over the pulpit when they want to recognize or give an example of ones who are faithful or have endured, although you may have been more faithful and endured more than all those who's names are called.
You may in fact, be so dependable that you are completely taken for granted. Like a pillar in the building. We don't admire them. We don't appreciate them. We just expect of them, to do the great job they have been given, to always do it well, and never fail.
Heb 6:10 But God is not unrighteous to forget your work and labor of love, which ye have showed toward his name, in that ye have ministered to the saints, and do minister.
Immediately attention went first to the ceiling tiles. They removed the damaged tiles from their place, so that the water wouldn't do any further damage to the surrounding tiles, until the problem could be fixed. The weather was too bad to get out and fix the roof, so we had to endure. We let the water drip into large trash cans. It seemed like the ministry was constantly checking the status of the roof, the ceiling, the electrical system, the drop-ceiling frame work, the remaining tiles, the carpeting under the leak, the trash cans, etcetera.
Finally we got the roof fixed and replaced the old tiles with new unspotted ones.
Here is what the Lord told me after that. We also have huge pillars in our building. It was once gutted and many rooms were made into one large open building. So there are pillars that could not be removed, in odd places through out the sanctuary.
The Lord showed me the pillars and said "See these pillars? They endured the storm. Yet they weren't patted on the back for enduring. The ceiling and the tiles got a lot of attention and focus. But the pillars were ignored and taken for granted. They ceiling tiles were never a permanent fixture to begin with. Their only job is superficial, and they weren't able to hold up and endure. But these pillars, upon whom the entire building depends and rests, who's job is so very important that should one of them fall or fail, the entire building would be at risk, were never thanked for enduring the storm.
Much talk was given surrounding the ceiling and tiles, but never did anyone mention the pillars and how well they'd endured. The pillars weren't given an appreciation day for their faithfulness and dependability.
So dependable that they're taken for granted. That is what it is to be a pillar in the church!
You may not be getting pats on the back for your faithfulness over the years. You may not be getting flowers for how good a job you've done or how much you've endured. Nobody may be calling your name over the pulpit when they want to recognize or give an example of ones who are faithful or have endured, although you may have been more faithful and endured more than all those who's names are called.
You may in fact, be so dependable that you are completely taken for granted. Like a pillar in the building. We don't admire them. We don't appreciate them. We just expect of them, to do the great job they have been given, to always do it well, and never fail.
Heb 6:10 But God is not unrighteous to forget your work and labor of love, which ye have showed toward his name, in that ye have ministered to the saints, and do minister.
My kind of friends - written June 24, 2010 revised August 6, 2014
I love good people. I love sweet, loving words spoken around me, as well as to me. I love to see folks who are happy and in a good mood. I enjoy clean living and find joy in everyday things. Don't expect ulterior motives or unspoken meanings, that's not part of who I am. All my cards are on the table, with you, them, and myself: I am what I am.
I hurt when someone I love is hurting, and even though I may be horribly inadequate, I try my best to make it better.
I love to be included and I would never exclude anyone else. I love to be loved, and I would never shun anyone else.
I don't require you to be really smart or rich, the popular person, or the pretty girl, in order to be in my circle of friends. You can have a big wart on your nose, poor clothes, a speech impediment and an I.Q. of 70 and we can still be friends, for I"m not perfect either!
I don't try to control everything and everyone around me. I haven't learned yet to fully control my own tongue and carnal thinking but that is all that I try to control.
My circle of friends are those that love the Lord and wear this temporal life loosely. We're not enraged at politics. We cast our vote for a kingdom that is not of this world. We don't get caught up in fashions and fads. We consider a person's spirit and disposition to be the most important thing they can wear. And we don't care what type of job you have, great or small, it's just a means to an end.
So give me the cheesy jokes & a heart of good intentions & I'll laugh heartily with love and affection built right in! We'll talk, and laugh and have a wonderful time, just because we are God's children, I love you, & I love to laugh.
I hurt when someone I love is hurting, and even though I may be horribly inadequate, I try my best to make it better.
I love to be included and I would never exclude anyone else. I love to be loved, and I would never shun anyone else.
I don't require you to be really smart or rich, the popular person, or the pretty girl, in order to be in my circle of friends. You can have a big wart on your nose, poor clothes, a speech impediment and an I.Q. of 70 and we can still be friends, for I"m not perfect either!
I don't try to control everything and everyone around me. I haven't learned yet to fully control my own tongue and carnal thinking but that is all that I try to control.
My circle of friends are those that love the Lord and wear this temporal life loosely. We're not enraged at politics. We cast our vote for a kingdom that is not of this world. We don't get caught up in fashions and fads. We consider a person's spirit and disposition to be the most important thing they can wear. And we don't care what type of job you have, great or small, it's just a means to an end.
So give me the cheesy jokes & a heart of good intentions & I'll laugh heartily with love and affection built right in! We'll talk, and laugh and have a wonderful time, just because we are God's children, I love you, & I love to laugh.
I'm only Human - written August 6, 2014
"I'm only human". such a deep thought to me today. What it means to be a human mammal. We all know the basic drives and needs that comes along with this DNA. The drives & ambitions, the lusts and the pride. And as hard as we try to be like Christ, we often fail miserably.
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We think we know what we should be, but in my human attempts at fitting "it" with "me" usually ends up not "Christ-like" but "Self-righteous" instead. How frustrating that all my best efforts for being what I understand I ought to be, ends up bringing forth something marred and not the intended beauty! What am I missing in my ingredients that makes my end result marred?!
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I try to bring forth genuine agape love, but I find my love has strings attached and limitations that don't match the love I was going for at all. I try to be humble, but I find my own humility is very limited and holds resentment I never intended!
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"I'm just a woman". We women are not even stable in our own minds. Most women I know are moody and full of drama if not outwardly, at least inwardly. The best women at least aspire to having God's love for all. But even some of the sweetest, most Christian ladies I know have the spirit of despise written on their brow at times, and thereby often hurt and offend others deeply.
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One of the most incredulous scriptures in the new testament was written by the great Apostle Paul, who we all seem to think was "always right". Yet he wrote "The good that I would do I do not, but that which I would not, that I do. O wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from this sin body of death?"
The bible speaks of a love and a type of humility that seems unattainable. The verse comes to my mind "show me the stairway I have to climb". As I try and fail, and stumble and make a big mess of everything in all my attempts and efforts to be pleasing to God, I know that "He knows the way that I take".
"Lord for my sake, teach me to take one day at a time".
.
We think we know what we should be, but in my human attempts at fitting "it" with "me" usually ends up not "Christ-like" but "Self-righteous" instead. How frustrating that all my best efforts for being what I understand I ought to be, ends up bringing forth something marred and not the intended beauty! What am I missing in my ingredients that makes my end result marred?!
.
I try to bring forth genuine agape love, but I find my love has strings attached and limitations that don't match the love I was going for at all. I try to be humble, but I find my own humility is very limited and holds resentment I never intended!
.
"I'm just a woman". We women are not even stable in our own minds. Most women I know are moody and full of drama if not outwardly, at least inwardly. The best women at least aspire to having God's love for all. But even some of the sweetest, most Christian ladies I know have the spirit of despise written on their brow at times, and thereby often hurt and offend others deeply.
.
One of the most incredulous scriptures in the new testament was written by the great Apostle Paul, who we all seem to think was "always right". Yet he wrote "The good that I would do I do not, but that which I would not, that I do. O wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from this sin body of death?"
The bible speaks of a love and a type of humility that seems unattainable. The verse comes to my mind "show me the stairway I have to climb". As I try and fail, and stumble and make a big mess of everything in all my attempts and efforts to be pleasing to God, I know that "He knows the way that I take".
"Lord for my sake, teach me to take one day at a time".
The Team - July 2, 2010
Okay, this is the thing: I recently expressed a long time mindset, and once expressed, God began to correct my thinking.
Here's the old mindset: Bro. Adams always preached that it doesn't matter who makes the basket, we are all one team and we all get the points (in the church) I have always disagreed. I said (in my mind) that Michael Jordan was famous because of his own extraordinary performances. Shoes were named after him, not after the Bulls. He stood out, heads above his other teammates. I said it mattered who made the goal and who performed with excellence. Bench sitters and those in the backup department didn't get famous.
Here's the Correction:
The Lord dealt with my mind this morning "But Michael Jordan sought to build his OWN name, not the name of the team. In church, we seek to build the name of the Lord and the Kingdom of Heaven. The world builds it's own name, we are not to seek our own name to be famous in the Kingdom of God.
So any man who builds his own name, as Michael did, have their fans who follow them and not Christ. But if we seek to build Christ, then we will spread the credit around to his coach, and the teammates, so that the people become fans of Christ & what He is doing in the church and not fans of one individual.
Here's the old mindset: Bro. Adams always preached that it doesn't matter who makes the basket, we are all one team and we all get the points (in the church) I have always disagreed. I said (in my mind) that Michael Jordan was famous because of his own extraordinary performances. Shoes were named after him, not after the Bulls. He stood out, heads above his other teammates. I said it mattered who made the goal and who performed with excellence. Bench sitters and those in the backup department didn't get famous.
Here's the Correction:
The Lord dealt with my mind this morning "But Michael Jordan sought to build his OWN name, not the name of the team. In church, we seek to build the name of the Lord and the Kingdom of Heaven. The world builds it's own name, we are not to seek our own name to be famous in the Kingdom of God.
So any man who builds his own name, as Michael did, have their fans who follow them and not Christ. But if we seek to build Christ, then we will spread the credit around to his coach, and the teammates, so that the people become fans of Christ & what He is doing in the church and not fans of one individual.
Debbie Hoffman Benfield
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Debbie in Wonderland- written July 12, 2010
The Lord quickened me to watch the movie Alice in Wonderland and He talked to me about it, and applied it to my spiritual walk.
To recap a little first, Alice fell down a rabbit hole, and had an experience in her dream (in her mind). The characters in Wonderland doubted whether she was the "right" Alice or not and she said "it's my dream, how can I not be the right Alice?"
She was always the wrong size! First she was too big, so she had to shrink down. Then she was too little and she had to be stretched. Once again, she became too big and she had to shrink yet again and then she got stuffed into a tea pot!
Everyone was pushing her and shoving her along, and she wasn't even sure where she was going or why and everyone told her that she was there to fight a big serpent dragon thing, that she didn't want to fight. But they kept telling her she was the only one who could defeat it.
When the mad hatter, that she had befriended, got kidnapped by the evil queen, she wanted to go and rescue him, but one of the characters said "that's not your path. If you veer from the path, you will not reach your destiny!" Alice replied said "Wait a minute! Ever since I fell down that rabbit hole, I've been shrunk and then stretched, and then stuffed and accused of NOT being "Alice" and accused of "being" Alice, and told what I have to do but this is "my" dream. I make the path!"
So she goes and when the "good" queen in exile finds out that she's "veered" from the path to go rescue the mad hatter, she says "that's where she needs to get the sword". And it's revealed that the "sword" is the only missing element in the armor that awaits her, for her battle with the dragon. And it's told that she has to have a specific sword and not just any sword and she also has to wear a specific armor in order to defeat the serpent dragon.
And when she sees the dragon, it is said "this is IMPOSSIBLE". And she says "my father said he sometimes thinks of 6 impossible things before breakfast". And as she is approaching the dragon, she starts counting 6 impossible things which she has already done including finding herself in a place such as Wonderland by falling down a rabbit hole! So she builds up her faith by remembering her journey and the 6th impossible thing she counts is to defeat the dragon! So she fights, and the dragon throws her up in the air and as she is coming down, she holds out the sword and says "OFF with your head!" and she slays him.
The kingdom of God is not a literal, natural, geographical location that it takes time to travel to. The kingdom of God is a state of mind.
If God is my King, then I am part of his Kingdom and thus I am in the Kingdom of God. If God is my Ruler and King, then I can benefit from the benefits of his government! This is a state of mind.
It's my mind. It is my choices that direct my path. I make my own path by the choices I make. By the mindset I have, I can succeed or I can fail. I can be strong or I can be weak. I can declare that God is my king & I am in his kingdom, or I can make excuses why I'm not.
The battlefield is all in my mind. The City of refuge, the "secret place", is a mindset where God's love and peace and a heart wholly given to him is. I can be there in an instant with a decision in my mind.
But it's my mind and my decision. Is God my King? YES HE IS!!! And if there is an enemy in the kingdom that has to be slayed, then it's my destiny to be able to slay this enemy, no matter how big and bad he looks! If I put on the armor that's given me, and take the special sword, it will all work out, because it is my destiny. God has brought me here to do this very thing, and given me the tools to do it.
Look at what I've already come through! Count the impossible things I've already accomplished! King David had to remember the lion and the bear that he defeated in the name of the Lord, to give him the faith to face Goliath.
I have gone through a lot of changes. I've been humbled, and I've been stretched back out, just to be humbled again! I've been boxed in and covered up. I've been pushed and shoved and told what I ought to do. I've been told I was brought to the Body to be the Bride, and accused that I wasn't the Bride! But this is my life! And I'm right on schedule in it. How can I possibly not be?
Debbie Hoffman Benfield
To recap a little first, Alice fell down a rabbit hole, and had an experience in her dream (in her mind). The characters in Wonderland doubted whether she was the "right" Alice or not and she said "it's my dream, how can I not be the right Alice?"
She was always the wrong size! First she was too big, so she had to shrink down. Then she was too little and she had to be stretched. Once again, she became too big and she had to shrink yet again and then she got stuffed into a tea pot!
Everyone was pushing her and shoving her along, and she wasn't even sure where she was going or why and everyone told her that she was there to fight a big serpent dragon thing, that she didn't want to fight. But they kept telling her she was the only one who could defeat it.
When the mad hatter, that she had befriended, got kidnapped by the evil queen, she wanted to go and rescue him, but one of the characters said "that's not your path. If you veer from the path, you will not reach your destiny!" Alice replied said "Wait a minute! Ever since I fell down that rabbit hole, I've been shrunk and then stretched, and then stuffed and accused of NOT being "Alice" and accused of "being" Alice, and told what I have to do but this is "my" dream. I make the path!"
So she goes and when the "good" queen in exile finds out that she's "veered" from the path to go rescue the mad hatter, she says "that's where she needs to get the sword". And it's revealed that the "sword" is the only missing element in the armor that awaits her, for her battle with the dragon. And it's told that she has to have a specific sword and not just any sword and she also has to wear a specific armor in order to defeat the serpent dragon.
And when she sees the dragon, it is said "this is IMPOSSIBLE". And she says "my father said he sometimes thinks of 6 impossible things before breakfast". And as she is approaching the dragon, she starts counting 6 impossible things which she has already done including finding herself in a place such as Wonderland by falling down a rabbit hole! So she builds up her faith by remembering her journey and the 6th impossible thing she counts is to defeat the dragon! So she fights, and the dragon throws her up in the air and as she is coming down, she holds out the sword and says "OFF with your head!" and she slays him.
The kingdom of God is not a literal, natural, geographical location that it takes time to travel to. The kingdom of God is a state of mind.
If God is my King, then I am part of his Kingdom and thus I am in the Kingdom of God. If God is my Ruler and King, then I can benefit from the benefits of his government! This is a state of mind.
It's my mind. It is my choices that direct my path. I make my own path by the choices I make. By the mindset I have, I can succeed or I can fail. I can be strong or I can be weak. I can declare that God is my king & I am in his kingdom, or I can make excuses why I'm not.
The battlefield is all in my mind. The City of refuge, the "secret place", is a mindset where God's love and peace and a heart wholly given to him is. I can be there in an instant with a decision in my mind.
But it's my mind and my decision. Is God my King? YES HE IS!!! And if there is an enemy in the kingdom that has to be slayed, then it's my destiny to be able to slay this enemy, no matter how big and bad he looks! If I put on the armor that's given me, and take the special sword, it will all work out, because it is my destiny. God has brought me here to do this very thing, and given me the tools to do it.
Look at what I've already come through! Count the impossible things I've already accomplished! King David had to remember the lion and the bear that he defeated in the name of the Lord, to give him the faith to face Goliath.
I have gone through a lot of changes. I've been humbled, and I've been stretched back out, just to be humbled again! I've been boxed in and covered up. I've been pushed and shoved and told what I ought to do. I've been told I was brought to the Body to be the Bride, and accused that I wasn't the Bride! But this is my life! And I'm right on schedule in it. How can I possibly not be?
Debbie Hoffman Benfield
Charity vs Pride- Feb.13, 2011
The Lord prompted me to read 1 Cor. 13. I was looking at the various characteristics of charity and asking myself if I'm operating in charity in my various relationships. And I got something I thought was worth sharing.
Charity envieth not and vaunteth not itself. Charity doesn't seek to be recognized and special. It's willing to blend into the background. Pride, on the other hand, wants to be recognized for everything it does that's good, wise, or righteous. Much like the Pharisees and Sadducees, pride wants to display it's qualities. Charity doesn't let the left hand know what the right hand is doing, but does it unto the Father.
Charity is not puffed up. Have you ever seen someone full of themselves? Knowledge puffs up, because in the flesh we can't do anything but get puffed up for our good deeds and how wise we think we are. That's why righteousness can't come by the law, because we don't get more righteous. We just get more "self" righteous.
Charity does not behave unseemly. Charity is not trying to draw attention to itself. Charity is willing to be invisible. I was taught in the Body of Christ that God's ministry will be invisible. They won't seek to promote their own face, personality, or their own fame. They will instead do whatever they do to the glory of God and Christ. To allow yourself to become invisible is fearful to the flesh and pride will not do it!
Charity seeketh not her own. Do I seek my own way, my own glory, my own pleasure, or my own honor? Charity will take a back seat. Pride sure will not. Pride wants to be recognized for it's accomplishments. If Pride has done well, it sure wants everyone to know it and certainly doesn't want anyone else to get the credit!
Charity is not easily provoked. Can I be stepped on without hollering? Do I get upset easily? Do I allow something someone said to upset my applecart? When I've put on charity, I won't let everything ruffle my feathers.
Charity thinketh no evil. What do I really think of others? To think that someone is against me, that they personally do not like me or that they are my adversary is thinking evil of them. I need God's help to love enough that I blind myself to other's faults. I'm reminded of the fact that most mothers only see the good in their children, while others may see a spoiled brat! Lord, give me this kind of love for all people. Like that video I recently posted, where the man puts on those glasses and suddenly he sees people's needs.
Charity rejoiceth not in iniquity. Charity doesn't rejoice or delight when there is division or bitterness or hurt. Charity doesn't say "It's about time they got their due!". Charity isn't blood thirsty to see people get what they "got coming".
But Charity rejoices in truth. When God wins, when people's spirits are cleansed, when love manifests and when righteousness is upheld, this is what delights Charity.
Charity bears all things. Paul told Timothy to endure hardness as a good soldier. Can I bear anything? Can I take a licking and keep on ticking? Do I have to cry and get petted every time someone bumps into me? Do I lose my peace when someone else takes the credit that I felt was due to me? Can I bear it, without drawing attention to it and letting everyone know how wrong it all was?
Charity will work hard behind the scenes without recognition and without payback. Charity will learn and study to be quiet. Charity won't draw attention to itself or show off . Charity won't always seek to be the one in charge, the teacher. Charity can take a back seat. And charity won't demand respect and honor from others.
Pride seeks it's own. If pride is in a campaign, itself is the only one running.
Pride wants to be recognized publicly for everything good that it does. The Pharisees wanted everyone to know when they were praying and fasting and how they gave alms. They prayed long, eloquent sounding prayers to impress those that heard them. But Jesus said "Enter into your closet and do it in secret".
Pride wants to be counted. Pride wants to be seated with the great. Let those that would be great among you, be the least. Whoever wants to be great with God, sit down in yourself. Esteem everyone else better than yourself! Let everyone else go before you. Don't seek to sit with the great. Don't seek the highest seats in the temple. Don't try to be over everything. Don't try to be seen. Charity will allow itself to be invisible, that Christ may be the focus and not flesh.
The element in us that wants to be recognized and honored and respected and boss is pride, not charity.
Charity envieth not and vaunteth not itself. Charity doesn't seek to be recognized and special. It's willing to blend into the background. Pride, on the other hand, wants to be recognized for everything it does that's good, wise, or righteous. Much like the Pharisees and Sadducees, pride wants to display it's qualities. Charity doesn't let the left hand know what the right hand is doing, but does it unto the Father.
Charity is not puffed up. Have you ever seen someone full of themselves? Knowledge puffs up, because in the flesh we can't do anything but get puffed up for our good deeds and how wise we think we are. That's why righteousness can't come by the law, because we don't get more righteous. We just get more "self" righteous.
Charity does not behave unseemly. Charity is not trying to draw attention to itself. Charity is willing to be invisible. I was taught in the Body of Christ that God's ministry will be invisible. They won't seek to promote their own face, personality, or their own fame. They will instead do whatever they do to the glory of God and Christ. To allow yourself to become invisible is fearful to the flesh and pride will not do it!
Charity seeketh not her own. Do I seek my own way, my own glory, my own pleasure, or my own honor? Charity will take a back seat. Pride sure will not. Pride wants to be recognized for it's accomplishments. If Pride has done well, it sure wants everyone to know it and certainly doesn't want anyone else to get the credit!
Charity is not easily provoked. Can I be stepped on without hollering? Do I get upset easily? Do I allow something someone said to upset my applecart? When I've put on charity, I won't let everything ruffle my feathers.
Charity thinketh no evil. What do I really think of others? To think that someone is against me, that they personally do not like me or that they are my adversary is thinking evil of them. I need God's help to love enough that I blind myself to other's faults. I'm reminded of the fact that most mothers only see the good in their children, while others may see a spoiled brat! Lord, give me this kind of love for all people. Like that video I recently posted, where the man puts on those glasses and suddenly he sees people's needs.
Charity rejoiceth not in iniquity. Charity doesn't rejoice or delight when there is division or bitterness or hurt. Charity doesn't say "It's about time they got their due!". Charity isn't blood thirsty to see people get what they "got coming".
But Charity rejoices in truth. When God wins, when people's spirits are cleansed, when love manifests and when righteousness is upheld, this is what delights Charity.
Charity bears all things. Paul told Timothy to endure hardness as a good soldier. Can I bear anything? Can I take a licking and keep on ticking? Do I have to cry and get petted every time someone bumps into me? Do I lose my peace when someone else takes the credit that I felt was due to me? Can I bear it, without drawing attention to it and letting everyone know how wrong it all was?
Charity will work hard behind the scenes without recognition and without payback. Charity will learn and study to be quiet. Charity won't draw attention to itself or show off . Charity won't always seek to be the one in charge, the teacher. Charity can take a back seat. And charity won't demand respect and honor from others.
Pride seeks it's own. If pride is in a campaign, itself is the only one running.
Pride wants to be recognized publicly for everything good that it does. The Pharisees wanted everyone to know when they were praying and fasting and how they gave alms. They prayed long, eloquent sounding prayers to impress those that heard them. But Jesus said "Enter into your closet and do it in secret".
Pride wants to be counted. Pride wants to be seated with the great. Let those that would be great among you, be the least. Whoever wants to be great with God, sit down in yourself. Esteem everyone else better than yourself! Let everyone else go before you. Don't seek to sit with the great. Don't seek the highest seats in the temple. Don't try to be over everything. Don't try to be seen. Charity will allow itself to be invisible, that Christ may be the focus and not flesh.
The element in us that wants to be recognized and honored and respected and boss is pride, not charity.
Love Arresting! - Feb. 17, 2011
Received in prayer: As I was praying & meditating about how great God's love is- how deep, how high, how long, how wide! and how my love for others ought to be the same, this is what I received.
The Love that God wants me to show is not MY love, even at it's best....it's not the love that I have or ever can manifest on my own, it's not the love that I feel in my affections or that I can show...it's not the love that is typical of my nature or personality. The Love that God wants me to have is love that is not from or of me. It is a new kind, a new brand of love that only comes from Him, and is of heavenly treasure.
He wants me to take on the armor of his love- it is mighty. A mighty weapon of war. It is a shield for me-protection!
It is a great advocate. An unfailing defense. It is victory over defeat and strength to march through difficult situations.
The love He will endow me with surmounts all opposition and defeats every foe. It runs like an Elk and it's strong as an Ox; swift as a lion.
Like a pelican it fishes. Like a fish it runs deep. As water, it trickles and flows over every rock and around every confrontation, delving into every hidden crevice and stream, lower as it goes, and lower still. Happily seeking the lowest position - joining with the ancients who've gone on before, this journey.
The Love He shall supply me is vast like the universe and ceaseless, timeless and enduring.
The brand of love He will show me is not perceived by natural eyes and is not comprehended by human affection. It transcends eternity and explodes from the realm of human interests.
It is love beyond comprehension. It shines of itself. It feeds of itself. It endures of itself. It multiplies & exudes & overflows & is boundless, endless, and eternal.
This Love He shall give me is not humanly possible nor plausible. It is not something I can feel or do on my own.
My greatest efforts to love; the greatest love available in my natural heart, is nothing to compare.
My best & highest attempts to show or feel love are just a symbol, an invitation to the Lord that I am open to receive that greater gift of which I have yet to be given.
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After writing down as I was receiving, I began to look up what the Lord meant by "as a pelican fishes", since I barely know what a pelican is!
Here's what I found: "The brown pelican is the only one that plunges from the air into the water to catch its food". Immediately I was quickened that God sent his Son from heaven, plunging down from glory, to earth to catch fishes of men. As a pelican fishes....willing to plunge down from glory in order to reach us.
What love! What wonderful love!
Debbie Hoffman Benfield
The Love that God wants me to show is not MY love, even at it's best....it's not the love that I have or ever can manifest on my own, it's not the love that I feel in my affections or that I can show...it's not the love that is typical of my nature or personality. The Love that God wants me to have is love that is not from or of me. It is a new kind, a new brand of love that only comes from Him, and is of heavenly treasure.
He wants me to take on the armor of his love- it is mighty. A mighty weapon of war. It is a shield for me-protection!
It is a great advocate. An unfailing defense. It is victory over defeat and strength to march through difficult situations.
The love He will endow me with surmounts all opposition and defeats every foe. It runs like an Elk and it's strong as an Ox; swift as a lion.
Like a pelican it fishes. Like a fish it runs deep. As water, it trickles and flows over every rock and around every confrontation, delving into every hidden crevice and stream, lower as it goes, and lower still. Happily seeking the lowest position - joining with the ancients who've gone on before, this journey.
The Love He shall supply me is vast like the universe and ceaseless, timeless and enduring.
The brand of love He will show me is not perceived by natural eyes and is not comprehended by human affection. It transcends eternity and explodes from the realm of human interests.
It is love beyond comprehension. It shines of itself. It feeds of itself. It endures of itself. It multiplies & exudes & overflows & is boundless, endless, and eternal.
This Love He shall give me is not humanly possible nor plausible. It is not something I can feel or do on my own.
My greatest efforts to love; the greatest love available in my natural heart, is nothing to compare.
My best & highest attempts to show or feel love are just a symbol, an invitation to the Lord that I am open to receive that greater gift of which I have yet to be given.
****************************
After writing down as I was receiving, I began to look up what the Lord meant by "as a pelican fishes", since I barely know what a pelican is!
Here's what I found: "The brown pelican is the only one that plunges from the air into the water to catch its food". Immediately I was quickened that God sent his Son from heaven, plunging down from glory, to earth to catch fishes of men. As a pelican fishes....willing to plunge down from glory in order to reach us.
What love! What wonderful love!
Debbie Hoffman Benfield
Change 101 - written March 15, 2011
I guess it's a fad to say "be real" or "keep it real, man".
But what does the bible say about that?
My adamic, base nature would retaliate if you offend me, but the bible says to "put off" malice and "put on" charity.
Yes, I'm a Put-On. I'm a phony. I choose to obey God's word, and ignore my natural tendencies of jealousy, malice, and envy.
But the beauty of this is that when I obey God's word and choose him over self's responses, He replaces my stony heart and begins to transform it into the heart of love that He wants me to have.
We are to "put on" charity until that which is perfect is come.
Debbie Hoffman Benfield
But what does the bible say about that?
My adamic, base nature would retaliate if you offend me, but the bible says to "put off" malice and "put on" charity.
Yes, I'm a Put-On. I'm a phony. I choose to obey God's word, and ignore my natural tendencies of jealousy, malice, and envy.
But the beauty of this is that when I obey God's word and choose him over self's responses, He replaces my stony heart and begins to transform it into the heart of love that He wants me to have.
We are to "put on" charity until that which is perfect is come.
Debbie Hoffman Benfield
The Teeters and the Totters - June 8, 2011
When we're young, we started out in the middle, most likely with mom and dad standing there holding us. We just had to learn to sit on the teeter totter without falling off as the world moved around us. We didn't really experience highs and lows of our own.
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But as we grew, we got further and further down the teeter totter. We were able to take ...lower lows and thus experience higher highs. If you're experiencing an unusually low low, don't get discouraged. Perhaps you just moved back on the teeter totter, and now you can prepare for higher highs as well.
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But as we grew, we got further and further down the teeter totter. We were able to take ...lower lows and thus experience higher highs. If you're experiencing an unusually low low, don't get discouraged. Perhaps you just moved back on the teeter totter, and now you can prepare for higher highs as well.
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The lesson of the teeter totter is that you don't get to excited when you're sitting high, because you're getting ready to go low. And neither do you get discouraged when you are low, because you are about to go high. The teeter totter is a continuation of high and low phases, one after the other.
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It's not about what phase you're in, it's about the process of going through them all. If you kick and scream in your low phases or try to prevent going low in your high phases or if you jerk and squirm or jump off the teeter totter, you are not successfully learning the joy of the teeter totter. Take all your phases with grace, and a knowing that "this too shall pass". Enjoy the process.
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When someone else is low, don't get puffed up and look down the nose at them. You'll be looking UP at them shortly, when it's your turn to go down. And when someone else is looking down at you, don't worry, they will have their day and soon will be looking up at you.
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Whether you're on the mountain, or in the valley, it's temporary. :)
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Love to you all.
Deb Hoffman Benfield
The lesson of the teeter totter is that you don't get to excited when you're sitting high, because you're getting ready to go low. And neither do you get discouraged when you are low, because you are about to go high. The teeter totter is a continuation of high and low phases, one after the other.
.
It's not about what phase you're in, it's about the process of going through them all. If you kick and scream in your low phases or try to prevent going low in your high phases or if you jerk and squirm or jump off the teeter totter, you are not successfully learning the joy of the teeter totter. Take all your phases with grace, and a knowing that "this too shall pass". Enjoy the process.
.
When someone else is low, don't get puffed up and look down the nose at them. You'll be looking UP at them shortly, when it's your turn to go down. And when someone else is looking down at you, don't worry, they will have their day and soon will be looking up at you.
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Whether you're on the mountain, or in the valley, it's temporary. :)
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Love to you all.
Deb Hoffman Benfield
Ongoing Construction - 2012
One of the abilities that God helps us realize as human being is that we have the ability to re-invent ourselves. So we don't have to stay where we find ourselves. We can re-invent ourselves, turn over a new leaf, and become a different sort of person.
Sometimes the greatest obstacle to becoming re-invented is the people who knew us before. They tend to put us back in the same old rut of expectations and be stubborn about removing old labels even if they no longer fit. This is error on their part, but it also brings to light another important key in re-invention.
We must also learn to SPEAK our change into existence. So that we verbally tell others "I was that, but I am not that anymore. Jesus is changing me". Even when we fall down, and others say "See, I knew you were the same". We must re-iterate again and again to them and to ourselves "No, I may not be altogether yet what I am going to be, but I am not what I was before! I am still under construction, so please excuse my mess while I am being re-invented". Paul put it like this "I count not myself to have apprehended that for which I am apprehended, but one thing I do, forgetting those things that are behind, I press towards the mark".
Too often I am personally silent about the changes that are taking place inwardly. I prefer for others to notice and then I feel offended or disappointed when they don't. I have also for years thought others ought to read my mind or somehow know my motive and to answer Dr. Phil's question "that has not worked well for me at all". I refuse any longer to let others keep dead labels on me. Stop saying that about me. That dress stopped fitting a long time ago! Get over it already.
God causes us to realize that we don't have to stay where we find ourselves and we certainly do not have to live where people keep sending our mail.
Debbie Hoffman Benfield
Sometimes the greatest obstacle to becoming re-invented is the people who knew us before. They tend to put us back in the same old rut of expectations and be stubborn about removing old labels even if they no longer fit. This is error on their part, but it also brings to light another important key in re-invention.
We must also learn to SPEAK our change into existence. So that we verbally tell others "I was that, but I am not that anymore. Jesus is changing me". Even when we fall down, and others say "See, I knew you were the same". We must re-iterate again and again to them and to ourselves "No, I may not be altogether yet what I am going to be, but I am not what I was before! I am still under construction, so please excuse my mess while I am being re-invented". Paul put it like this "I count not myself to have apprehended that for which I am apprehended, but one thing I do, forgetting those things that are behind, I press towards the mark".
Too often I am personally silent about the changes that are taking place inwardly. I prefer for others to notice and then I feel offended or disappointed when they don't. I have also for years thought others ought to read my mind or somehow know my motive and to answer Dr. Phil's question "that has not worked well for me at all". I refuse any longer to let others keep dead labels on me. Stop saying that about me. That dress stopped fitting a long time ago! Get over it already.
God causes us to realize that we don't have to stay where we find ourselves and we certainly do not have to live where people keep sending our mail.
Debbie Hoffman Benfield
The shoes of a virtuous woman- October 31, 2011
As I've been meditating and studying on the attributes of a virtuous woman, I kept thinking "these are big shoes to fill". But I felt like I received from the Lord "oh Contrar'! These shoes are not big at all. Instead they are very tight!
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If you assay to wear these shoes, you must get small. You can't bring your big feet to these shoes. Big, clumsy feet cannot fit and would not be able to endure the blisters and pain that these shoes would impose. You must bind up your big footedness and become very small to even fit in these shoes.
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Yet in these shoes, the wearer must walk great distances, carry heavy burdens and tip toe around everything! These shoes are not like those shoes that are for looks, and dainty affairs. The wearer of these shoes will labor and be in constant service.
Yet, unlike typical work shoes, these shoes are not ergonomically designed with the wearers feet in mind. They were, instead, designed for others. These shoes were designed especially with OTHER people’s comfort in mind. These shoes were made to tip toe, so as not to step on other's feet, while the wearer labors in them. These shoes give the wearer the ability to step lightly, and step around, so as not to even touch other’s sensitive feet. With these shoes, the laborer can go in and out and around others without incident. The wearer learns how to go in and out among God’s people without hearing cries of the tender footed crying “ouch”, “Ouch! you hurt me!”, or “Get your big feet out of the way!”
These shoes are not blue suede shoes either! Remember the Elvis song “Don’t you step on my blue suede shoes”? Well, these shoes were not built to prevent other’s from stepping all over them. There are no walls, no towers, no fortified areas, no steel toes. Although they are designed not to step on others, these shoes are themselves often stepped upon. These shoes, being made not for the wearer but for others, were made soft-hearted, so that when others step on them, they don’t “bite back”. These shoes are cushions that absorb the impact of other’s weight and act as a sort of buffer or shock absorber for other’s big feet and careless steps.
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INTERPRETATION: (for any who would like clarification of the allegories I'm using here)
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Tight Shoes= strait is the gate and narrow is the way.
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To get small: Humble. Meek. Not full of yourself.
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Big Feet: Full of self-interest & one’s own opinion. Unable to get out of yourself, not putting other’s interests & honor above your own claims to it.
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Big, Clumsy Feet: Always putting your foot in your mouth; strife. Like a heavy footed person always stepping on other people's feet, whether intentional or unintentional.
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Blisters and Pain: Constantly bickering, offended & being offended, constantly getting in trouble for what you said or did, & the pain and blistering of one's pride.
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Bind up your big footedness= Learn to shut your mouth.
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Walk great distances: Endurance....keep on going, and don't stop, don't give up, don't drop the ball.
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Carry heavy burdens: Hearing mess but not spreading it; taking offense but not retaliating. Bearing your crosses...loving, forgiving.
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Tip Toe around everything: Being careful with your mouth- learning wisdom when to speak & when not to, learning what you have the range to say and what you don’t, etc.
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Going in and around others without incident: This person won't be called into the pastor's office trying to sort through issues all the time, or constantly involved in some sort of mess or strife going on, because they have learned how to tip toe in and around people. They know ‘how to go in and out among God’s people”.
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Cries of the tender footed- when other’s say “you shouldn’t have talked to me like that!” “you hurt my feelings!” “You had no right to talk to me like that!” “that was rude” “that was uncalled for!” .
Debbie Hoffman Benfield
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If you assay to wear these shoes, you must get small. You can't bring your big feet to these shoes. Big, clumsy feet cannot fit and would not be able to endure the blisters and pain that these shoes would impose. You must bind up your big footedness and become very small to even fit in these shoes.
.
Yet in these shoes, the wearer must walk great distances, carry heavy burdens and tip toe around everything! These shoes are not like those shoes that are for looks, and dainty affairs. The wearer of these shoes will labor and be in constant service.
Yet, unlike typical work shoes, these shoes are not ergonomically designed with the wearers feet in mind. They were, instead, designed for others. These shoes were designed especially with OTHER people’s comfort in mind. These shoes were made to tip toe, so as not to step on other's feet, while the wearer labors in them. These shoes give the wearer the ability to step lightly, and step around, so as not to even touch other’s sensitive feet. With these shoes, the laborer can go in and out and around others without incident. The wearer learns how to go in and out among God’s people without hearing cries of the tender footed crying “ouch”, “Ouch! you hurt me!”, or “Get your big feet out of the way!”
These shoes are not blue suede shoes either! Remember the Elvis song “Don’t you step on my blue suede shoes”? Well, these shoes were not built to prevent other’s from stepping all over them. There are no walls, no towers, no fortified areas, no steel toes. Although they are designed not to step on others, these shoes are themselves often stepped upon. These shoes, being made not for the wearer but for others, were made soft-hearted, so that when others step on them, they don’t “bite back”. These shoes are cushions that absorb the impact of other’s weight and act as a sort of buffer or shock absorber for other’s big feet and careless steps.
.
.
INTERPRETATION: (for any who would like clarification of the allegories I'm using here)
.
Tight Shoes= strait is the gate and narrow is the way.
.
To get small: Humble. Meek. Not full of yourself.
.
Big Feet: Full of self-interest & one’s own opinion. Unable to get out of yourself, not putting other’s interests & honor above your own claims to it.
.
Big, Clumsy Feet: Always putting your foot in your mouth; strife. Like a heavy footed person always stepping on other people's feet, whether intentional or unintentional.
.
Blisters and Pain: Constantly bickering, offended & being offended, constantly getting in trouble for what you said or did, & the pain and blistering of one's pride.
.
Bind up your big footedness= Learn to shut your mouth.
.
Walk great distances: Endurance....keep on going, and don't stop, don't give up, don't drop the ball.
.
Carry heavy burdens: Hearing mess but not spreading it; taking offense but not retaliating. Bearing your crosses...loving, forgiving.
.
Tip Toe around everything: Being careful with your mouth- learning wisdom when to speak & when not to, learning what you have the range to say and what you don’t, etc.
.
Going in and around others without incident: This person won't be called into the pastor's office trying to sort through issues all the time, or constantly involved in some sort of mess or strife going on, because they have learned how to tip toe in and around people. They know ‘how to go in and out among God’s people”.
.
Cries of the tender footed- when other’s say “you shouldn’t have talked to me like that!” “you hurt my feelings!” “You had no right to talk to me like that!” “that was rude” “that was uncalled for!” .
Debbie Hoffman Benfield
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Ah Hah Moment: I hate change! - July, 2014
I hate change. I just want to function effectively, not learn something new every time I'm trying to do something. I go to the store to get bread, and they move the bread isle. I hate that. I don't want to walk all over the store trying to find it, I just want to pick up a loaf, not tour the newly decorated isles! I finally learn how to post on Facebook, or how to get from one thing to another in my computer and they come out with windows 8! Ugh! Now I have to start all over and learn something again! I hate that. In my mind I scream "Stop giving me upgrades and updates! I like things the way they were!"
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It's the same way in church. I get used to things "being" a certain way. I played piano for many years when the church decided to buy a new one. They bought an expensive Kurzweil digital piano. It had more buttons and gadgets on it than I knew how to use! It was a cross between a piano and a really wild keyboard! I HATED it! I just wanted a piano, a beautiful simple piano. I didn't want to learn a new instrument! I rebelled. I refused to play any of the extra gadgets or buttons. I parked it on "grand piano" and left it there, and got irritated whenever anyone moved the functions! And I complained about how much money we spent on all those gadgets that I never use!
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Then one day I discovered the transpose key! Wow! What a feature! If someone started a song in some crazy odd key, I no longer had to struggle to figure out what Dm for F is in B! I could just push the transpose button and voila!
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I get used to the music being a certain way, and low and behold people come along changing it, constantly giving us "upgrades" and add-ons! Automatically my spirit rejects it! I don't want to go anywhere I haven't been already! I've learned how to find God here in this little closet and I don't want to go "forward and backwards and on the right hand where he works..." I just want to go get him where I remember he has always been for me!
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Yesterday Sis. Joyce P. and I were discussing this, and she said she loves change because it keeps her on her toes. Yes it does. That's why I don't like it! It doesn't allow me to sit back at ease.
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As I have come to recognize that I don't like change, my spirit has gotten better because I now realize where my fear and resistance comes from. I'm afraid that if you move my cheese, I won't be able to find it again or in the same way that I did before. (Yes, I've read "Who Moved My Cheese" and I recommend this book to everyone!).
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I finally gave in to the extreme issues of my laptop and bought a new one, with windows 8 on it. At first it was so frustrating, I almost took it back to the store! But now I'm beginning to learn the features. Now I LOVE it! But I had to sit through some tutorials!
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This just dawned on me today: When things begin to change at the church and I get worried or anxious or feel that I no longer know how to operate, or what is expected of me, I just have to sit through some tutorials! This may include counsel or learning from others, or practicing, but then what I hate may actually become something I am very pleased with after all!
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It's the same way in church. I get used to things "being" a certain way. I played piano for many years when the church decided to buy a new one. They bought an expensive Kurzweil digital piano. It had more buttons and gadgets on it than I knew how to use! It was a cross between a piano and a really wild keyboard! I HATED it! I just wanted a piano, a beautiful simple piano. I didn't want to learn a new instrument! I rebelled. I refused to play any of the extra gadgets or buttons. I parked it on "grand piano" and left it there, and got irritated whenever anyone moved the functions! And I complained about how much money we spent on all those gadgets that I never use!
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Then one day I discovered the transpose key! Wow! What a feature! If someone started a song in some crazy odd key, I no longer had to struggle to figure out what Dm for F is in B! I could just push the transpose button and voila!
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I get used to the music being a certain way, and low and behold people come along changing it, constantly giving us "upgrades" and add-ons! Automatically my spirit rejects it! I don't want to go anywhere I haven't been already! I've learned how to find God here in this little closet and I don't want to go "forward and backwards and on the right hand where he works..." I just want to go get him where I remember he has always been for me!
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Yesterday Sis. Joyce P. and I were discussing this, and she said she loves change because it keeps her on her toes. Yes it does. That's why I don't like it! It doesn't allow me to sit back at ease.
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As I have come to recognize that I don't like change, my spirit has gotten better because I now realize where my fear and resistance comes from. I'm afraid that if you move my cheese, I won't be able to find it again or in the same way that I did before. (Yes, I've read "Who Moved My Cheese" and I recommend this book to everyone!).
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I finally gave in to the extreme issues of my laptop and bought a new one, with windows 8 on it. At first it was so frustrating, I almost took it back to the store! But now I'm beginning to learn the features. Now I LOVE it! But I had to sit through some tutorials!
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This just dawned on me today: When things begin to change at the church and I get worried or anxious or feel that I no longer know how to operate, or what is expected of me, I just have to sit through some tutorials! This may include counsel or learning from others, or practicing, but then what I hate may actually become something I am very pleased with after all!
Monday, July 28, 2014
First Encounters- Chapter 2 - written July 2014
My friend and I had been constant companions for the previous 2 weeks. I had been staying with her while we attended the revivals. She was the only friend I had who seemed to see the excitement of being a Christian, on fire for the Lord, ready to witness to any one on the street! When we saw an ambulance go by, we would pull over and hold hands and pray earnestly for the person to be okay and rebuked the devil for causing the accident! We were full of zeal! I knew that I was called "to be a part of a latter rain ministry". I didn't have a clue what that really meant, but I was eager to jump in! My friend and I went house to house laying our hands on sick people and rebuking the devil! We visited churches and spoke in their Sunday Schools about the end times we were living in and people's need to make sure they are right with God. We were going forth in the spirit and power of Elijah, crying "Repent for the kingdom of heaven is at hand!"
We visited the Church in Paragould that Friday night and I took my friend with me. Sitting in service that first time, I was intrigued. This church, mom and dad believed, could be the answer to all our searching. But I knew that God had already begun something in my spirit and in my life. I would be very reluctant to hand that over to just going to a church some where again! So I sat in service with a critical eye. One thing I noticed was that they all looked clean and "churchy". My friend leaned over to me and said "These are just one-ness Pentecostals." I replied "You think so?" She continued "See they all have long hair and no jewelry. That's what they are". I was well aware of what oneness and Pentecostals were, but they were also all about hellfire and brimstone and we were told they didn't preach that here, and if they didn't then this was like no other place that we'd ever been before. But we needed to clarify that and watch and see how things go.
I wasn't opposed to their dress standard. As a matter of fact, I respected it. I remembered in the Assembly of God, one of the pastors that was sent there, had a wife who only wore dresses. I remember at 12 or 13 years old thinking "When I get to be a Christian, I'm going to be like her".
During that first service, my friend was in my ear continually, whispering about the things said and done. It was made clear to me that she didn't like this church and she was a big influence on me as well. She and I left before service was out and that night I returned home for a while.
That night I had a dream. I dreamed that I was standing in one room looking towards another room that was through a doorway. I was about to cross the threshold. Before I crossed I wanted to bring my friend with me so I looked to see where she was and I grabbed her hand and I crossed the threshold, and when I crossed over, our hands split and when I looked back, she was standing in the arms of a man she had just went out on a date with a couple of times. So I knew that where I was going, she would not be coming with me. The next time I talked to her, she accepted to marry that man that I saw her with, standing in his arms.
The next night, I decided to give this church a fresh try again. So this time, I went without my friend and decided to feel it out for myself. While I was waiting on mom and dad to finish getting ready, I was sitting in the living room, and I picked up one of my dad's little booklets that he had just gotten in the mail. It was a Megiddo church booklet. I began reading it. The author was talking about the devil, but almost in a mocking way. "Some people believe that the devil is a red fork-tailed creature with a long fork in his hand". As I was reading, I wasn't sure what his point was. I remember my dad saying "Deb, what do you think about that book?" I said "He sounds like he's saying he doesn't believe in the devil!" Dad replied "He don't!" I said "Oh, I don't believe that" and I tossed the book over on the end table. Dad replied "I don't know. He makes sense. I've never thought of it before the way he brings it out, but I'm going to read it and consider it".
My eyes rolled. Oh my gosh. As if we're not different enough from normal Christians! We don't need yet another crazy doctrine to separate us from churches. I crawled in the back seat of our car and looked out the window as mom drove towards the church. I considered the idea of no devil. But how could there be no devil? What about all the bad things that happened in the world? What about the Enemy, the Opposer of us all, who doesn't want us to be saved? What about that show "The Excorcist"?! There had to be a devil. Maybe he's not red, and maybe he doesn't carry a pitchfork or have a fork-tail, but there has got to be a devil. Otherwise, why do I have the problems that I have?!
All the way to Paragould (about a 30 minute drive) I contemplated this new idea of there not being a devil.
Finally we arrived at the church and they started service with a song and the feeling was good. This church was different than any other I had been in before if only in the fact that they had a band. That was definitely a cool idea!
Then Bro. Bass got up and started talking. He mentioned the devil. He said that a lot of people think that the devil is a red, fork-tailed flying creature "out there" somewhere. I almost jumped out of my chair. Yes! I was wondering about that on the way here! He continued to address and acknowledge everything that I had thought about and wondered about on the way to church that night! It was as if he'd been in the car, listening to my thoughts! It was as if he'd heard our conversation! He laid it all out, and it made sense! My evil thoughts were because of a fallen nature, not because of another creature. I'm the only one with me all the time, other than God. My choices, my thinking, and my lusts all had to carry some responsibility and not just blame this "devil" for everything!
I went home with two great impressions that night. First I was astonished that for the first time in my life, I was actually "nourished" from a church. I felt that I had been added something to. It was the first time I ever felt that I received more in the service than was available of God at home alone! My questions were addressed. My needs were met. It was the first time I'd ever been edified. The second thing was the idea that there may not be a devil. I had to study this out, but this pastor really made sense! And I'd never heard anyone use so many scriptures! He not only declared his doctrine, he used scriptures to prove it. I'd heard many hellfire and brimstone messages where the preacher never used any scripture at all. But this man used his bible the entire time he taught! Scripture after scripture made sense. I'd never seen the word of God used in that way before.
Those were two great impressions, the 3rd impression was the band. I was impressed and blessed by the band. Not only the sound of the music, but the fact that the youth had something to do in the service like that! I immediately wanted to become part of their band and choir!
That Sunday, we were just about "sold" on this new church. Everything was great so far. I loved the spirit that I felt. I loved the band. I loved the fact that I heard the word of God being taught. Mom and dad really seemed to like it as well, but they were still reluctant to put their heart in it. Mom had been hurt many times. She'd been called a devil by the 7th Day Adventists. She'd been asked to leave by another church (she asked too many questions in Sunday School) and she'd been set down from testifying or anything in several other assemblies. We only survived as long as we did in the Assembly of God because mom refrained herself from testifying or asking questions at all. She was welcome to come in and just sit, and pay tithes. Dad rarely attended the Assembly of God church. He couldn't tolerate the hellfire preaching and that was almost all they preached back then. It was usually less than 30 minutes, but it was intolerable for him to listen to. So they came with hope for, but not much faith in, this new church.
So Sunday they decided to speak to the pastor directly and ask him point blank if he believed in hell! We had to know that before we could accept this way. He and his wife had asked us over for dinner so it was the perfect opportunity. I remember my heart sinking when my dad asked "Do you believe in hell?", and Bro. Bass responded "yes". None of us responded but we all must have looked very disappointed because Bro. Bass said "of course you have to understand what hell is". So I said "we're talking about eternal torment, fire and brimstone, you'll burn forever and ever. Do you believe in that hell?" Bro. Bass smiled at me and said "Do you?" I was growing very tired of going around the bush. Either you believe in it or you don't! So I responded "No, we don't believe in it and we won't be going to church anywhere where they do believe in it, so if you don't believe in it and you want us to come here, you better tell us so now!" Bro Bass said "Is that right?" and looked at my dad, who responded "Yeah, that's right". And Bro. Bass finally confessed "No, I don't believe in that kind of eternal torment hell. But the bible speaks of hell and there's more than one way of being in hell. Hell can just be a condition! Jonah was in the belly of hell for 3 days! Imagine the stink and how uncomfortable he was, outside of God's will and stuck in the belly of a fish! He was in hell."
So we communed with Bro. Bass about hell and clarified what we all meant by the word hell, and my family left there thankful that what we heard was true, although we were disappointed and grieved that he didn't openly confess his belief to us from the beginning. We understood later that he was trying to be wise and not filet the fish before it was in the boat, but if we hadn't paused to ask the question a different way, we would have never gone back to that church, believing that they were just another hellfire and brimstone assembly.
We visited the Church in Paragould that Friday night and I took my friend with me. Sitting in service that first time, I was intrigued. This church, mom and dad believed, could be the answer to all our searching. But I knew that God had already begun something in my spirit and in my life. I would be very reluctant to hand that over to just going to a church some where again! So I sat in service with a critical eye. One thing I noticed was that they all looked clean and "churchy". My friend leaned over to me and said "These are just one-ness Pentecostals." I replied "You think so?" She continued "See they all have long hair and no jewelry. That's what they are". I was well aware of what oneness and Pentecostals were, but they were also all about hellfire and brimstone and we were told they didn't preach that here, and if they didn't then this was like no other place that we'd ever been before. But we needed to clarify that and watch and see how things go.
I wasn't opposed to their dress standard. As a matter of fact, I respected it. I remembered in the Assembly of God, one of the pastors that was sent there, had a wife who only wore dresses. I remember at 12 or 13 years old thinking "When I get to be a Christian, I'm going to be like her".
During that first service, my friend was in my ear continually, whispering about the things said and done. It was made clear to me that she didn't like this church and she was a big influence on me as well. She and I left before service was out and that night I returned home for a while.
That night I had a dream. I dreamed that I was standing in one room looking towards another room that was through a doorway. I was about to cross the threshold. Before I crossed I wanted to bring my friend with me so I looked to see where she was and I grabbed her hand and I crossed the threshold, and when I crossed over, our hands split and when I looked back, she was standing in the arms of a man she had just went out on a date with a couple of times. So I knew that where I was going, she would not be coming with me. The next time I talked to her, she accepted to marry that man that I saw her with, standing in his arms.
The next night, I decided to give this church a fresh try again. So this time, I went without my friend and decided to feel it out for myself. While I was waiting on mom and dad to finish getting ready, I was sitting in the living room, and I picked up one of my dad's little booklets that he had just gotten in the mail. It was a Megiddo church booklet. I began reading it. The author was talking about the devil, but almost in a mocking way. "Some people believe that the devil is a red fork-tailed creature with a long fork in his hand". As I was reading, I wasn't sure what his point was. I remember my dad saying "Deb, what do you think about that book?" I said "He sounds like he's saying he doesn't believe in the devil!" Dad replied "He don't!" I said "Oh, I don't believe that" and I tossed the book over on the end table. Dad replied "I don't know. He makes sense. I've never thought of it before the way he brings it out, but I'm going to read it and consider it".
My eyes rolled. Oh my gosh. As if we're not different enough from normal Christians! We don't need yet another crazy doctrine to separate us from churches. I crawled in the back seat of our car and looked out the window as mom drove towards the church. I considered the idea of no devil. But how could there be no devil? What about all the bad things that happened in the world? What about the Enemy, the Opposer of us all, who doesn't want us to be saved? What about that show "The Excorcist"?! There had to be a devil. Maybe he's not red, and maybe he doesn't carry a pitchfork or have a fork-tail, but there has got to be a devil. Otherwise, why do I have the problems that I have?!
All the way to Paragould (about a 30 minute drive) I contemplated this new idea of there not being a devil.
Finally we arrived at the church and they started service with a song and the feeling was good. This church was different than any other I had been in before if only in the fact that they had a band. That was definitely a cool idea!
Then Bro. Bass got up and started talking. He mentioned the devil. He said that a lot of people think that the devil is a red, fork-tailed flying creature "out there" somewhere. I almost jumped out of my chair. Yes! I was wondering about that on the way here! He continued to address and acknowledge everything that I had thought about and wondered about on the way to church that night! It was as if he'd been in the car, listening to my thoughts! It was as if he'd heard our conversation! He laid it all out, and it made sense! My evil thoughts were because of a fallen nature, not because of another creature. I'm the only one with me all the time, other than God. My choices, my thinking, and my lusts all had to carry some responsibility and not just blame this "devil" for everything!
I went home with two great impressions that night. First I was astonished that for the first time in my life, I was actually "nourished" from a church. I felt that I had been added something to. It was the first time I ever felt that I received more in the service than was available of God at home alone! My questions were addressed. My needs were met. It was the first time I'd ever been edified. The second thing was the idea that there may not be a devil. I had to study this out, but this pastor really made sense! And I'd never heard anyone use so many scriptures! He not only declared his doctrine, he used scriptures to prove it. I'd heard many hellfire and brimstone messages where the preacher never used any scripture at all. But this man used his bible the entire time he taught! Scripture after scripture made sense. I'd never seen the word of God used in that way before.
Those were two great impressions, the 3rd impression was the band. I was impressed and blessed by the band. Not only the sound of the music, but the fact that the youth had something to do in the service like that! I immediately wanted to become part of their band and choir!
That Sunday, we were just about "sold" on this new church. Everything was great so far. I loved the spirit that I felt. I loved the band. I loved the fact that I heard the word of God being taught. Mom and dad really seemed to like it as well, but they were still reluctant to put their heart in it. Mom had been hurt many times. She'd been called a devil by the 7th Day Adventists. She'd been asked to leave by another church (she asked too many questions in Sunday School) and she'd been set down from testifying or anything in several other assemblies. We only survived as long as we did in the Assembly of God because mom refrained herself from testifying or asking questions at all. She was welcome to come in and just sit, and pay tithes. Dad rarely attended the Assembly of God church. He couldn't tolerate the hellfire preaching and that was almost all they preached back then. It was usually less than 30 minutes, but it was intolerable for him to listen to. So they came with hope for, but not much faith in, this new church.
So Sunday they decided to speak to the pastor directly and ask him point blank if he believed in hell! We had to know that before we could accept this way. He and his wife had asked us over for dinner so it was the perfect opportunity. I remember my heart sinking when my dad asked "Do you believe in hell?", and Bro. Bass responded "yes". None of us responded but we all must have looked very disappointed because Bro. Bass said "of course you have to understand what hell is". So I said "we're talking about eternal torment, fire and brimstone, you'll burn forever and ever. Do you believe in that hell?" Bro. Bass smiled at me and said "Do you?" I was growing very tired of going around the bush. Either you believe in it or you don't! So I responded "No, we don't believe in it and we won't be going to church anywhere where they do believe in it, so if you don't believe in it and you want us to come here, you better tell us so now!" Bro Bass said "Is that right?" and looked at my dad, who responded "Yeah, that's right". And Bro. Bass finally confessed "No, I don't believe in that kind of eternal torment hell. But the bible speaks of hell and there's more than one way of being in hell. Hell can just be a condition! Jonah was in the belly of hell for 3 days! Imagine the stink and how uncomfortable he was, outside of God's will and stuck in the belly of a fish! He was in hell."
So we communed with Bro. Bass about hell and clarified what we all meant by the word hell, and my family left there thankful that what we heard was true, although we were disappointed and grieved that he didn't openly confess his belief to us from the beginning. We understood later that he was trying to be wise and not filet the fish before it was in the boat, but if we hadn't paused to ask the question a different way, we would have never gone back to that church, believing that they were just another hellfire and brimstone assembly.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Before the Body of Christ - Chapter 1- written July 2014
I was fortunate. I didn't start out in the Body of Christ. I consider myself fortunate for this because I have an experience that is a footprint in my life and that has convinced me personally that the group of people that I have come to, are indeed the people that God is working through and it is here that I belong. I can't speak for everyone of course, I can only tell those things that I have experienced myself.
I will start from the beginning.
My mom's religion:
My mom was 15 years old, had never really attended school, and was part of the Hell's Angels group in her town where she and some other rebellious teens rode motorcycles and drove cars and kicked up dust in their community trying to show how tough they were. She happened to meet a preacher who was having a revival in her town, who invited her to church and she laughed him to scorn. He then made a dare to her. He dared her to come to every night of the revival and told her that "the Lord said" if she did that, she would get saved. She said "you're crazy!" and she just had to prove this sucker to be as wrong as she knew he was.
She therefore made a point to come to every night of the revival, and brought most of her gang with her. They sat in the back the whole week, mocking and making fun. They laughed and mocked, encouraging one another in their audacity to defy God! To make a long story short, the very last night of the revival, her seat became so hot she couldn't sit in it. She commented to her friend that they must have wired the seats! The pastor didn't even start service, he just called for prayer. All the saints were down on their knees and he was calling on the name of Jesus to bind every evil spirit and to loose the captives! She felt something powerful, but she didn't know what it was. All she knew was that it was fearful.
Finally she decided this hot seat and this weird service was just too much for her, and she got up to leave. But when she got to the middle isle at the end of the pew, she looked towards the exit and saw a big skull with cross bones, so she looked towards the pulpit and she saw a vision of Jesus standing with his arms outstretched, nail prints in his hands offering her salvation. Somehow she knew that he was saying that if she didn't take it, her other option was death. She realized for the first time that she was crying, uncontrollably. She didn't remember ever crying before. She ran to the altar and got saved, and filled with the Holy Ghost that night.
The next morning, she found out that her gang and her boyfriend were involved playing chicken late that same night she was getting saved and nobody chickened out, so they had a head on collision that killed 4 gang members. Her boyfriend, whom she would have been with if she had left the church that night instead of getting saved, was beheaded in the accident.
So my mother was saved, and filled with the Holy Ghost and this was her experience with God. She was an ignorant person, who didn't know how to be a woman of God, but she was a praying powerhouse. She received dreams, and visions and encounters with God. She knew God personally, but she didn't know anything about doctrine and she didn't even know how to read. After her salvation, she got a bible and spent the next few years learning how to read by trying to read it.
She was a praying woman and she had visions and received things from the Lord. I would sit at her feet for hours when I was a small child, listening to the things she received from the Lord. She told me of how God told her that she would be a part of the ministry in the latter days, that she would pray for people and they'd be healed and delivered. God told her that she would have to battle demons, and wade through many swampy waters, and learn to walk on serpents and scorpions. God told her that people needed hope and that she and this group of people in this ministry, would be the hope that God would work through to give them. She also told me that the Lord told her that her last fight would be with darkness before she would see great light. She didn't know what everything God told her meant. Most things were hidden to her understanding, but she would wow me with her stories and her visions and dreams. She also told me that I could be a part of it too, if I prayed and asked the Lord to make me a part, and I prayed earnestly for that many times as a very young child.
My dad's religion:
My dad was severely abused as a boy. He remembered being threatened by his mother and severely beaten by his dad. My dad's mom had a deep Native American heritage, but she hated it and burned all her papers and the one thing that would make her really mad was when grandpa would call her "squaw"! She joined the Pentecostal One-ness church, and she was faithful, but she didn't have a personal relationship with God. She did however, feel free to use the doctrine of hell, fire, and brimstone to threaten my dad and to cast fear upon him. But the hell that my dad was experiencing came not from God, but from his earthly father, who would beat him severely and dad remembered being beaten so severely that he passed out and woke up the next day still laying in his own blood.
Needless to say my dad didn't feel loved as a child. The beatings my dad endured must have developed into epilepsy, because dad had spells constantly and they seemed to be getting worse. He said that he knew when one was coming on, because he would see stars and smell certain smells and then he would have another spell.
When my dad was 12 years old, he heard about William Brahnum and where he was having a revival meeting. They told my dad that this man healed people and that he was a miracle worker. My dad wanted to know if there was a God, and if possible he wanted to be healed of his epilepsy, so at 12 years old he hitchhiked to see this man and see if the healings were real.
Dad said that he saw a lady who went up for prayer for a big tumor on her face. He said that Bro. Brahnum put his hand on it and prayed, and the tumor disappeared instantly! Dad was astonished, but then the lady said "Wow, I just can't believe it!" and the tumor re-appeared! Bro. Brahnum said "Lady, God can't heal you without faith! And he said "I'm going to pray for you again, but you have to have faith! Do you understand?" And she said yes. So he prayed for her again and instantly the tumor disappeared! But again the lady said "I know it's gone, but I just can't believe it!" And again the tumor re-appeared. Dad said this happened again the third time before Bro. Brahnum sent her away and said "I'm sorry, but I can't help you if you can't believe".
Dad said that he witnessed a man who had one leg shorter than the other, get prayed for and his leg stretched out to the same length as the other one! There were many great miracles and healings take place that he saw during this meeting. Finally dad's turn in line came and Br. Brahnum asked him what he wanted prayer for and dad said "Epilepsy" and Bro. Brahnum prayed for him and then told him that if he believed he was healed. So dad believed it and went away happy.
A couple of weeks later, dad went out on his back porch and began to see stars and to smell those smells that he smelled when he was about to have a seizure. Dad sat down on the steps of the porch and put his head in his hands and prayed and said "No. Lord I believe you healed me at that revival with Bro. Brahnum. I believe it Lord! I don't have seizures anymore!" And the stars went away and the smell went away and he never had a seizure again in his life!
Dad began contemplating who God was. God, he thought, was good, not evil! Dad rejected the God of his mother who seemed sadistic and evil. His mother was always threatening him with fear: Fear of his dad, fear of hell, and fear of God's wrath. Dad decided that the God that healed him, wasn't a sadistic, evil god. He was a good God. He was a loving God! He was merciful! People were evil, but God was good!
My dad also left home at 12 years old and started hitchhiking across the country, finding work wherever he could find it. He would approach homes and ask if he could mow their grass or do some odd jobs. He got jobs chopping and picking cotton, or picking fruit or any kind of farm hand work. He often slept in barns or wherever he could find to lay his head. When he was 16, he lied about his age and joined the army. In the army, he and the other men talked about God. Some believed in hellfire and brimstone like his mother, and they argued the doctrine. But the more dad argued with them, the more he searched the scriptures to find out what the truth was. And the more he searched, the more he found that indeed, this concept of eternal hell, where God sits over these horrified souls, laughing while they burn in excruiciating pain and agony, was a myth and not based on bible scriptures at all. My dad began to cultivate the idea of God as "the good Lord", and whenever he spoke of God, he used that phrase. It was as if he were identifying the one that he knew, as opposed to the one that his mother taught him about.
Thus my father was on a personal quest to find God, find truth, and find a people who believed the truth and not the myths. Dad went to a lot of churches and usually mom and I would go with him. He studied doctrine. He ordered books from places I'd never heard of before. He found some truth out there, here and there. He found the Jehovah's Witnesses, who don't believe in eternal hell. But when he attended their services, it seemed more like a Sales Meeting than a church service. I think Mom and I went with him once. Their services were focused on the methods and strategies of going door to door in an attempt to create more Jehovah Witnesses. There was no preaching, no singing, no testimonies. So there wasn't anything edifying to the individual in their meetings. Whatever dad was looking for, it wasn't in the Jehovah's Witnesses.
Then he heard about the 7th Day Adventists. They also didn't believe in an eternal hell. They did believe that Saturday was the Sabbath and my dad was open to receive that. He began attending their services also by himself. But one day a few of them came to our home to visit and they told us that there was no such thing as the Holy Ghost with evidence of speaking in tongues and that if mom had it, then mom was demon possessed! Dad really struggled with that, because not only did my mom have the baptism of the Holy Ghost, but at 12 years old dad had experienced a divine healing in a Holy Ghost meeting from a man who spoke in tongues. And to dad, mom's God was good. Mom didn't use her God as a springboard for manipulating and controlling others. So dad didn't find it in the Seventh Day Adventists.
My religion:
As a family therefore, we didn't go to church anywhere regularly. I remember mom wanting to go somewhere to a church, just so we could sing and praise God. So we'd all go and "endure" the hellfire messages just to get to the music part, so we could praise God. But the music was often dull also. Finally when I was about 10 or 11, I told mom I wanted to go to church like my friends did. So she and dad started taking me to an Assembly of God, so I could get involved in a church with their youth groups and activities.
But as a teenager, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be normal. I didn't understand why we didn't believe in hell and everybody else did! My friends all believed in it! My extended family believed in it! My new church believed in it! The whole world believed in it! Everybody but us! So I started asking my dad why! And I began searching the scriptures myself, because I had to prove to him and mom that they were wrong and thereby fix all our problems of finding a church! I just figured mom and dad just were never taught the normal things that other people are taught, so I would learn them from others and then I would teach mom and dad and we'd all be fine.
So I started asking everybody around me for their scriptures and what they knew about hell. I was actually surprised to find that while they were adamant about the whole concept of hell, and could draw me a detailed picture of it, but had no scriptures to back up any of these ideas. There was only one scripture that they all referred to which was Lazarus and the rich man, but this story I read over and over again.
Every argument that I had heard on it, I rehearsed with conviction to my dad. I would submit all my findings and my best arguments to him but he was never convinced. He always had a scripture or something to refute the idea. And then I'd take his scriptures back to my friends and, during those years I was arguing both sides of the fence! I wanted the truth. I didn't care who was right or wrong, I just wanted to know what was right.
In my teens, I began to want more than just to be a part of the youth and activities. I began to really want to know God for myself. God loved my mom. He was always telling her things and I could feel the presence of God in the house when she prayed. And my dad had his own unique relationship with God. God, to him, was about truth and justice. But I hadn't really had any experience with God personally yet, only through my parents.
Between the years of 15 and 17, I began dating and going up town with my friends, and we had tried "marijuana" and every now and then we did something fun and edgy like drink a beer or something alcoholic. We were smoking cigarettes and wearing makeup, and without any wisdom or knowledge we began making choices about life and self and goals and beliefs. I believed in God and by now I knew that the doctrine of hell was not correct, but all it did for me was to separate me from all of what I called "normal" Christian churches.
When mom would pray, I felt the presence of God in the house. But when I visited churches, I didn't feel His presence. I was wandering, looking for water (the Spirit of God). I was looking for some kind of "experience" that would indicate to me personally that I had found a place where God would show up. Where does one go to meet with God? I wanted audience with him. I knew he existed, but I couldn't feel His Spirit, and I didn't know what He wanted from me in this life He gave me.
I had also been seeking the Holy Ghost for many years, but I still didn't have it. I went to the altar many times, but I didn't feel anything. I tried so hard to feel something. I remember as a young child, going to the altar, thinking about mom and dad dying so that I could cry and feel something, but that didn't cause me to have any experience with God either. I remember hearing the story of Zacheus. I too, just wanted to get a glimpse of Jesus!
About the Holy Ghost baptism:
One church that I visited began telling me that the Holy Ghost was easy, just start speaking it. They said just say "hoo hoo Honda my tie and see me comma", etcetera and that's it! Well, I knew that wasn't my mom's testimony but I also knew that "my" parents were "special" when it came to the things of God. They didn't believe in hell like normal. They didn't do anything normal. So I went to bed pondering what this church told me about the Holy Ghost and that night in bed I decided to try it. So I prayed "oh, hallelujah, see my tie, here's my tie, comma in a Honda, hallelujah, shickama shickama". I didn't feel anything! I felt completely silly! Inside I felt a giggle working! But I was serious and I prayed, "Lord, I'm trying this because they said it was the Holy Ghost and I don't know, so I'm trying it" and I wanted God to sort of answer me in that or something.
That night I had a dream. I dreamed that it was very hot outside and mom and dad had our sprinklers going in our yard. The water was cool and wonderful. My hair was short, the actual length that it was in real life around my neck, but I was very aware of my hair in my dream, as I played in my yard in the sprinklers. Suddenly I noticed in my dream that our neighbors also had their sprinklers on. Our neighbors were evil and I would never play in their yard or have anything to do with them, but in my dream, I went into their yard to play in their sprinklers and when I did, my hair appeared to be very long and beautiful! I was throwing my hair around and enjoying it's length & beauty as I played, but I knew I ought to be in my own yard, so I went back to my yard and my hair was short again. So I went back and forth for a while, trying to capture my hair length in my own yard, but it wouldn't work. So I awoke, and I knew that God was saying that my hair (my glory) wasn't yet filled with the Holy Ghost. But if I played in the neighbor's yard or after the rules of wickedness, then I could "appear" to have long hair. I could pretend to have the Holy Ghost, but it wasn't the right yard, the right way. I certainly wanted the real thing, so I never did that again. But I was so thankful for this dream and for God showing me, because it also let me know that while I was trying desperately to find him, that He knew right where I was at all the time!
Not long later, I was at the altar in the Assembly of God church seeking for the Holy Ghost, and begging God for it. I stayed there for what seemed like an eternity, but I felt absolutely nothing. I couldn't cry, I couldn't feel anything. Finally I had enough and it came to my mind that God doesn't really love me. He loves my mom and he gave her the Holy Ghost, but He's not giving it to me. Right there at the altar, I decided that I would quit trying for the Holy Ghost. This thought and everything else I am about to describe to you took place in a matter of seconds, although it will take more time to describe it.
My eyes were still closed when I had the though and made the decision to stop seeking for the Holy Ghost and I proceeded to put my arms down, open my eyes, and lean on the altar bench to help myself up from this sitting position, and my brain was giving the command to make these very motions, when suddenly I saw an image of a man sitting on a throne with his hands on the arms of the throne chair and he burst through a cloud as it parted, coming straight towards me! And in my mind I said "WOW!" That was all I said in my mind. "WOW!" And the vision was over.
Immediately after the vision was over, I realized that I had said something and I heard myself say it! It was not English and I did not know what it meant. I had heard this phrase before from a lady in our assembly who spoke in tongues! She said this almost every time she spoke in tongues. The syllables were "Hun-dee-eye-see-kye". I had not "tried" to say that. I was not even aware that I had said that, until after I remembered what I heard myself say! All I thought was "WOW!" but it came out that phrase! I didn't know what to do.
The vision was gone. People around me were rejoicing, because I was seeking for the Holy Ghost and I just spoke in tongues! I felt embarrassed. I was afraid that someone would think that I was copying this sister who I'd heard say that before! I decided years prior that I would not pretend to speak in tongues, so I was perhaps over-sensitive about other thinking that this might be the case. But I knew it was a true experience, and I was flabbergasted by the vision and resulting tongues that came.
After that experience, I relaxed my feeling of need to receive the baptism of the Holy Ghost, confused that I must surely already have it, although I didn't regularly speak in tongues or anything. I didn't speak in tongues again until years later, after that initial experience.
The Turning Point:
The world began to pull on me more and more and I won't go into a lot of that, but I will say that it got to the place that I knew I had to make a decision for the Lord, but not having a church to go to, was a big hindrance for me. Nevertheless, one Wednesday night at the Assembly of God, I very formally went to the altar and gave my life to Christ and made a suitable display/show of purpose to God of my hopes and intentions. I wanted to be saved! I was trying.
The next day I met a friend I hadn't seen in years. She was a Christian. She told me about a revival she was going to be attending starting Sunday. She invited me to come stay with her the week and go to the revival. I felt this must be the Lord for me, so I eagerly said yes. Before the revival, she was supposed to meet a man that called himself a prophet. He said that he had some things to tell her and he wanted to meet with her after church. I prayed during the whole service that this prophet would tell me something. I didn't care what he said, if God would just acknowledge me and let me know that He was there and that these longings I have for God are being received by Him.
Well that night after church, we met that prophet in his home and he prophesied to me that God had chosen me, that I was called, and that I would play the piano and sing and touch many people. He said that I had power in my hands and when he said that, my hands immediately tingled and scared me, and I said "Stop" and it stopped instantly! I don't remember all that he said, but he confirmed things that my mother had told me when I was a young child. And he let me know that He heard me, He was leading me, that He chose me, and He loved me! Just to be chosen, is worth it all!
I went back home that first night and I was elated to tell my mother all that I had received! We went on to the revival and I was on cloud 9 the whole time! I couldn't stop thinking about the prophesies and what God may have in store for me. I still felt nothing in church, but I was hopeful for the first time! After that revival, there was another one somewhere else and my friend and I decided to attend that one as well. I received nothing at either revival, but I was looking for another "experience" or something.
I went home at the end of that week and my friend came with me. It was a Friday and mom and dad were getting dressed for church. Dad had been arguing with a guy at work about the doctrine of hell and the guy said "You sound like that Bill Bass" , and dad said "Who's that?" The man said he's a preacher here in Paragould. He don't believe in hell either! Dad said "Do you know the name and address of the church?" Mom and dad were getting dressed, just about to go check it out. My dad said "The guy said he don't believe in hell, but they do believe in the baptism of the Holy Ghost!" I was intrigued, but Mom and dad were excited! We were about to attend our first service in the Body of Jesus Christ!
I will start from the beginning.
My mom's religion:
My mom was 15 years old, had never really attended school, and was part of the Hell's Angels group in her town where she and some other rebellious teens rode motorcycles and drove cars and kicked up dust in their community trying to show how tough they were. She happened to meet a preacher who was having a revival in her town, who invited her to church and she laughed him to scorn. He then made a dare to her. He dared her to come to every night of the revival and told her that "the Lord said" if she did that, she would get saved. She said "you're crazy!" and she just had to prove this sucker to be as wrong as she knew he was.
She therefore made a point to come to every night of the revival, and brought most of her gang with her. They sat in the back the whole week, mocking and making fun. They laughed and mocked, encouraging one another in their audacity to defy God! To make a long story short, the very last night of the revival, her seat became so hot she couldn't sit in it. She commented to her friend that they must have wired the seats! The pastor didn't even start service, he just called for prayer. All the saints were down on their knees and he was calling on the name of Jesus to bind every evil spirit and to loose the captives! She felt something powerful, but she didn't know what it was. All she knew was that it was fearful.
Finally she decided this hot seat and this weird service was just too much for her, and she got up to leave. But when she got to the middle isle at the end of the pew, she looked towards the exit and saw a big skull with cross bones, so she looked towards the pulpit and she saw a vision of Jesus standing with his arms outstretched, nail prints in his hands offering her salvation. Somehow she knew that he was saying that if she didn't take it, her other option was death. She realized for the first time that she was crying, uncontrollably. She didn't remember ever crying before. She ran to the altar and got saved, and filled with the Holy Ghost that night.
The next morning, she found out that her gang and her boyfriend were involved playing chicken late that same night she was getting saved and nobody chickened out, so they had a head on collision that killed 4 gang members. Her boyfriend, whom she would have been with if she had left the church that night instead of getting saved, was beheaded in the accident.
So my mother was saved, and filled with the Holy Ghost and this was her experience with God. She was an ignorant person, who didn't know how to be a woman of God, but she was a praying powerhouse. She received dreams, and visions and encounters with God. She knew God personally, but she didn't know anything about doctrine and she didn't even know how to read. After her salvation, she got a bible and spent the next few years learning how to read by trying to read it.
She was a praying woman and she had visions and received things from the Lord. I would sit at her feet for hours when I was a small child, listening to the things she received from the Lord. She told me of how God told her that she would be a part of the ministry in the latter days, that she would pray for people and they'd be healed and delivered. God told her that she would have to battle demons, and wade through many swampy waters, and learn to walk on serpents and scorpions. God told her that people needed hope and that she and this group of people in this ministry, would be the hope that God would work through to give them. She also told me that the Lord told her that her last fight would be with darkness before she would see great light. She didn't know what everything God told her meant. Most things were hidden to her understanding, but she would wow me with her stories and her visions and dreams. She also told me that I could be a part of it too, if I prayed and asked the Lord to make me a part, and I prayed earnestly for that many times as a very young child.
My dad's religion:
My dad was severely abused as a boy. He remembered being threatened by his mother and severely beaten by his dad. My dad's mom had a deep Native American heritage, but she hated it and burned all her papers and the one thing that would make her really mad was when grandpa would call her "squaw"! She joined the Pentecostal One-ness church, and she was faithful, but she didn't have a personal relationship with God. She did however, feel free to use the doctrine of hell, fire, and brimstone to threaten my dad and to cast fear upon him. But the hell that my dad was experiencing came not from God, but from his earthly father, who would beat him severely and dad remembered being beaten so severely that he passed out and woke up the next day still laying in his own blood.
Needless to say my dad didn't feel loved as a child. The beatings my dad endured must have developed into epilepsy, because dad had spells constantly and they seemed to be getting worse. He said that he knew when one was coming on, because he would see stars and smell certain smells and then he would have another spell.
When my dad was 12 years old, he heard about William Brahnum and where he was having a revival meeting. They told my dad that this man healed people and that he was a miracle worker. My dad wanted to know if there was a God, and if possible he wanted to be healed of his epilepsy, so at 12 years old he hitchhiked to see this man and see if the healings were real.
Dad said that he saw a lady who went up for prayer for a big tumor on her face. He said that Bro. Brahnum put his hand on it and prayed, and the tumor disappeared instantly! Dad was astonished, but then the lady said "Wow, I just can't believe it!" and the tumor re-appeared! Bro. Brahnum said "Lady, God can't heal you without faith! And he said "I'm going to pray for you again, but you have to have faith! Do you understand?" And she said yes. So he prayed for her again and instantly the tumor disappeared! But again the lady said "I know it's gone, but I just can't believe it!" And again the tumor re-appeared. Dad said this happened again the third time before Bro. Brahnum sent her away and said "I'm sorry, but I can't help you if you can't believe".
Dad said that he witnessed a man who had one leg shorter than the other, get prayed for and his leg stretched out to the same length as the other one! There were many great miracles and healings take place that he saw during this meeting. Finally dad's turn in line came and Br. Brahnum asked him what he wanted prayer for and dad said "Epilepsy" and Bro. Brahnum prayed for him and then told him that if he believed he was healed. So dad believed it and went away happy.
A couple of weeks later, dad went out on his back porch and began to see stars and to smell those smells that he smelled when he was about to have a seizure. Dad sat down on the steps of the porch and put his head in his hands and prayed and said "No. Lord I believe you healed me at that revival with Bro. Brahnum. I believe it Lord! I don't have seizures anymore!" And the stars went away and the smell went away and he never had a seizure again in his life!
Dad began contemplating who God was. God, he thought, was good, not evil! Dad rejected the God of his mother who seemed sadistic and evil. His mother was always threatening him with fear: Fear of his dad, fear of hell, and fear of God's wrath. Dad decided that the God that healed him, wasn't a sadistic, evil god. He was a good God. He was a loving God! He was merciful! People were evil, but God was good!
My dad also left home at 12 years old and started hitchhiking across the country, finding work wherever he could find it. He would approach homes and ask if he could mow their grass or do some odd jobs. He got jobs chopping and picking cotton, or picking fruit or any kind of farm hand work. He often slept in barns or wherever he could find to lay his head. When he was 16, he lied about his age and joined the army. In the army, he and the other men talked about God. Some believed in hellfire and brimstone like his mother, and they argued the doctrine. But the more dad argued with them, the more he searched the scriptures to find out what the truth was. And the more he searched, the more he found that indeed, this concept of eternal hell, where God sits over these horrified souls, laughing while they burn in excruiciating pain and agony, was a myth and not based on bible scriptures at all. My dad began to cultivate the idea of God as "the good Lord", and whenever he spoke of God, he used that phrase. It was as if he were identifying the one that he knew, as opposed to the one that his mother taught him about.
Thus my father was on a personal quest to find God, find truth, and find a people who believed the truth and not the myths. Dad went to a lot of churches and usually mom and I would go with him. He studied doctrine. He ordered books from places I'd never heard of before. He found some truth out there, here and there. He found the Jehovah's Witnesses, who don't believe in eternal hell. But when he attended their services, it seemed more like a Sales Meeting than a church service. I think Mom and I went with him once. Their services were focused on the methods and strategies of going door to door in an attempt to create more Jehovah Witnesses. There was no preaching, no singing, no testimonies. So there wasn't anything edifying to the individual in their meetings. Whatever dad was looking for, it wasn't in the Jehovah's Witnesses.
Then he heard about the 7th Day Adventists. They also didn't believe in an eternal hell. They did believe that Saturday was the Sabbath and my dad was open to receive that. He began attending their services also by himself. But one day a few of them came to our home to visit and they told us that there was no such thing as the Holy Ghost with evidence of speaking in tongues and that if mom had it, then mom was demon possessed! Dad really struggled with that, because not only did my mom have the baptism of the Holy Ghost, but at 12 years old dad had experienced a divine healing in a Holy Ghost meeting from a man who spoke in tongues. And to dad, mom's God was good. Mom didn't use her God as a springboard for manipulating and controlling others. So dad didn't find it in the Seventh Day Adventists.
My religion:
As a family therefore, we didn't go to church anywhere regularly. I remember mom wanting to go somewhere to a church, just so we could sing and praise God. So we'd all go and "endure" the hellfire messages just to get to the music part, so we could praise God. But the music was often dull also. Finally when I was about 10 or 11, I told mom I wanted to go to church like my friends did. So she and dad started taking me to an Assembly of God, so I could get involved in a church with their youth groups and activities.
But as a teenager, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be normal. I didn't understand why we didn't believe in hell and everybody else did! My friends all believed in it! My extended family believed in it! My new church believed in it! The whole world believed in it! Everybody but us! So I started asking my dad why! And I began searching the scriptures myself, because I had to prove to him and mom that they were wrong and thereby fix all our problems of finding a church! I just figured mom and dad just were never taught the normal things that other people are taught, so I would learn them from others and then I would teach mom and dad and we'd all be fine.
So I started asking everybody around me for their scriptures and what they knew about hell. I was actually surprised to find that while they were adamant about the whole concept of hell, and could draw me a detailed picture of it, but had no scriptures to back up any of these ideas. There was only one scripture that they all referred to which was Lazarus and the rich man, but this story I read over and over again.
Every argument that I had heard on it, I rehearsed with conviction to my dad. I would submit all my findings and my best arguments to him but he was never convinced. He always had a scripture or something to refute the idea. And then I'd take his scriptures back to my friends and, during those years I was arguing both sides of the fence! I wanted the truth. I didn't care who was right or wrong, I just wanted to know what was right.
In my teens, I began to want more than just to be a part of the youth and activities. I began to really want to know God for myself. God loved my mom. He was always telling her things and I could feel the presence of God in the house when she prayed. And my dad had his own unique relationship with God. God, to him, was about truth and justice. But I hadn't really had any experience with God personally yet, only through my parents.
Between the years of 15 and 17, I began dating and going up town with my friends, and we had tried "marijuana" and every now and then we did something fun and edgy like drink a beer or something alcoholic. We were smoking cigarettes and wearing makeup, and without any wisdom or knowledge we began making choices about life and self and goals and beliefs. I believed in God and by now I knew that the doctrine of hell was not correct, but all it did for me was to separate me from all of what I called "normal" Christian churches.
When mom would pray, I felt the presence of God in the house. But when I visited churches, I didn't feel His presence. I was wandering, looking for water (the Spirit of God). I was looking for some kind of "experience" that would indicate to me personally that I had found a place where God would show up. Where does one go to meet with God? I wanted audience with him. I knew he existed, but I couldn't feel His Spirit, and I didn't know what He wanted from me in this life He gave me.
I had also been seeking the Holy Ghost for many years, but I still didn't have it. I went to the altar many times, but I didn't feel anything. I tried so hard to feel something. I remember as a young child, going to the altar, thinking about mom and dad dying so that I could cry and feel something, but that didn't cause me to have any experience with God either. I remember hearing the story of Zacheus. I too, just wanted to get a glimpse of Jesus!
About the Holy Ghost baptism:
One church that I visited began telling me that the Holy Ghost was easy, just start speaking it. They said just say "hoo hoo Honda my tie and see me comma", etcetera and that's it! Well, I knew that wasn't my mom's testimony but I also knew that "my" parents were "special" when it came to the things of God. They didn't believe in hell like normal. They didn't do anything normal. So I went to bed pondering what this church told me about the Holy Ghost and that night in bed I decided to try it. So I prayed "oh, hallelujah, see my tie, here's my tie, comma in a Honda, hallelujah, shickama shickama". I didn't feel anything! I felt completely silly! Inside I felt a giggle working! But I was serious and I prayed, "Lord, I'm trying this because they said it was the Holy Ghost and I don't know, so I'm trying it" and I wanted God to sort of answer me in that or something.
That night I had a dream. I dreamed that it was very hot outside and mom and dad had our sprinklers going in our yard. The water was cool and wonderful. My hair was short, the actual length that it was in real life around my neck, but I was very aware of my hair in my dream, as I played in my yard in the sprinklers. Suddenly I noticed in my dream that our neighbors also had their sprinklers on. Our neighbors were evil and I would never play in their yard or have anything to do with them, but in my dream, I went into their yard to play in their sprinklers and when I did, my hair appeared to be very long and beautiful! I was throwing my hair around and enjoying it's length & beauty as I played, but I knew I ought to be in my own yard, so I went back to my yard and my hair was short again. So I went back and forth for a while, trying to capture my hair length in my own yard, but it wouldn't work. So I awoke, and I knew that God was saying that my hair (my glory) wasn't yet filled with the Holy Ghost. But if I played in the neighbor's yard or after the rules of wickedness, then I could "appear" to have long hair. I could pretend to have the Holy Ghost, but it wasn't the right yard, the right way. I certainly wanted the real thing, so I never did that again. But I was so thankful for this dream and for God showing me, because it also let me know that while I was trying desperately to find him, that He knew right where I was at all the time!
Not long later, I was at the altar in the Assembly of God church seeking for the Holy Ghost, and begging God for it. I stayed there for what seemed like an eternity, but I felt absolutely nothing. I couldn't cry, I couldn't feel anything. Finally I had enough and it came to my mind that God doesn't really love me. He loves my mom and he gave her the Holy Ghost, but He's not giving it to me. Right there at the altar, I decided that I would quit trying for the Holy Ghost. This thought and everything else I am about to describe to you took place in a matter of seconds, although it will take more time to describe it.
My eyes were still closed when I had the though and made the decision to stop seeking for the Holy Ghost and I proceeded to put my arms down, open my eyes, and lean on the altar bench to help myself up from this sitting position, and my brain was giving the command to make these very motions, when suddenly I saw an image of a man sitting on a throne with his hands on the arms of the throne chair and he burst through a cloud as it parted, coming straight towards me! And in my mind I said "WOW!" That was all I said in my mind. "WOW!" And the vision was over.
Immediately after the vision was over, I realized that I had said something and I heard myself say it! It was not English and I did not know what it meant. I had heard this phrase before from a lady in our assembly who spoke in tongues! She said this almost every time she spoke in tongues. The syllables were "Hun-dee-eye-see-kye". I had not "tried" to say that. I was not even aware that I had said that, until after I remembered what I heard myself say! All I thought was "WOW!" but it came out that phrase! I didn't know what to do.
The vision was gone. People around me were rejoicing, because I was seeking for the Holy Ghost and I just spoke in tongues! I felt embarrassed. I was afraid that someone would think that I was copying this sister who I'd heard say that before! I decided years prior that I would not pretend to speak in tongues, so I was perhaps over-sensitive about other thinking that this might be the case. But I knew it was a true experience, and I was flabbergasted by the vision and resulting tongues that came.
After that experience, I relaxed my feeling of need to receive the baptism of the Holy Ghost, confused that I must surely already have it, although I didn't regularly speak in tongues or anything. I didn't speak in tongues again until years later, after that initial experience.
The Turning Point:
The world began to pull on me more and more and I won't go into a lot of that, but I will say that it got to the place that I knew I had to make a decision for the Lord, but not having a church to go to, was a big hindrance for me. Nevertheless, one Wednesday night at the Assembly of God, I very formally went to the altar and gave my life to Christ and made a suitable display/show of purpose to God of my hopes and intentions. I wanted to be saved! I was trying.
The next day I met a friend I hadn't seen in years. She was a Christian. She told me about a revival she was going to be attending starting Sunday. She invited me to come stay with her the week and go to the revival. I felt this must be the Lord for me, so I eagerly said yes. Before the revival, she was supposed to meet a man that called himself a prophet. He said that he had some things to tell her and he wanted to meet with her after church. I prayed during the whole service that this prophet would tell me something. I didn't care what he said, if God would just acknowledge me and let me know that He was there and that these longings I have for God are being received by Him.
Well that night after church, we met that prophet in his home and he prophesied to me that God had chosen me, that I was called, and that I would play the piano and sing and touch many people. He said that I had power in my hands and when he said that, my hands immediately tingled and scared me, and I said "Stop" and it stopped instantly! I don't remember all that he said, but he confirmed things that my mother had told me when I was a young child. And he let me know that He heard me, He was leading me, that He chose me, and He loved me! Just to be chosen, is worth it all!
I went back home that first night and I was elated to tell my mother all that I had received! We went on to the revival and I was on cloud 9 the whole time! I couldn't stop thinking about the prophesies and what God may have in store for me. I still felt nothing in church, but I was hopeful for the first time! After that revival, there was another one somewhere else and my friend and I decided to attend that one as well. I received nothing at either revival, but I was looking for another "experience" or something.
I went home at the end of that week and my friend came with me. It was a Friday and mom and dad were getting dressed for church. Dad had been arguing with a guy at work about the doctrine of hell and the guy said "You sound like that Bill Bass" , and dad said "Who's that?" The man said he's a preacher here in Paragould. He don't believe in hell either! Dad said "Do you know the name and address of the church?" Mom and dad were getting dressed, just about to go check it out. My dad said "The guy said he don't believe in hell, but they do believe in the baptism of the Holy Ghost!" I was intrigued, but Mom and dad were excited! We were about to attend our first service in the Body of Jesus Christ!
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